Mah Nishtanah
by Husk
Summary: Uhura continuously flipped her hair and glared at Spock, who seemed mildly tipsy from the chocolate coated Matzo he’d ingested while Captain Kirk couldn’t help but bang his head against the table and ask himself how the hell this had happened. Passoverfic
1. Chapter 1

AN: Hey this is my idea of a Passover Seder on the Enterprise. Bear with me, I know it's a bit odd but I swear it'll get better. Thanks for reading and please review if you want more.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, I'm under the illusion Roddenberry does.

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**Mah Nishtanah**

As Chekov stood, desperately screaming, "Mah nishtanah ha-lahylah ha-zeh" while Uhura continuously flipped her hair and glared at Spock, who seemed mildly tipsy from the chocolate coated Matzo he'd ingested, Captain Kirk couldn't help but bang his head against the table and ask himself how the hell this had happened.

_3 Days Earlier_

"Captain, Captain! Captain!" Pavel Chekov yelled enthusiastically as he ran into the transporter room waving an old fashioned paper calendar around in circles above his head, "Captain! Look!"

Captain Kirk, his first officer Spock, and his chief medical officer Lenard McCoy had just returned from a rather …uncomfortable incident with a very grateful Orion slave girl. After her rescue from the tyrant Cosos there seemed to be some miscommunication about the matter or thanks- the three had sworn never to speak of it again.

Kirk hadn't taken a step off the receiving pad before being ambushed by the young Russian, "Captain Captain! Look!"

As Chekov shoved the calendar into Kirk's nose the worn twine broke and the pages scattered like falling snowflakes.

"What am I looking at exactly?" Kirk asked as Chekov scampered around on all fours desperately trying to gather the pages in the right order.

"It's uh, vell, it's right…just vait a moment. It's here somevhere…" Chekov stuttered as he scanned the Russian letters that identified the months.

Kirk watched him for a second before strolling off the landing pad and down the few stairs to Scotty's work station.

"Chekov, once you're done there, head back up to bridge and relive Riley"

"Ah, yes sir Captain but-"

But before Chekov had the chance to say another word Kirk was gone down the hallway to catch up to his first officer.

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After his shift, Chekov found the Captain in the Mess Hall speaking to communications officer Uhura. Chekov could hear laughter as he weaved his way through the other off duty officers. He'd brought only a single calendar page this time, no one could say Pevel Chekov didn't learn from him mistakes.

As Chekov approached the desired table, he couldn't help but overhear some of the conversation.

"Come on, 'm not saying you have to leave Elf-man, I'm just sayin', one night, Nyota" Kirk said as he waggled his eyebrows humorously.

Uhura rolled her eyes, a smirk falling on her delicate features.

"Aw come on, Nyota" He badgered, leaning in playfully.

"You have got to stop calling me that" She said swatting him away.

"Calling you what Nyota?" He whispered, feigning innocent.

"Captain, I'm surprised!" She began, playing along "to think after only a few months on the job you've already had a sexual harassment report filed against you"

Kirk immediately sat up straight in his seat and cleared his throat uncomfortably, "That's not funny…Lieutenant"

Uhura smiled, "I think it's hilarious"

As Chekov watched their exchange he'd decided maybe this wasn't the best time to ask the Captain. He seemed…preoccupied. Chekov did a quick 180 and headed back out the door he came from.

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Chekov decided, after a number of failed attempts the absolute best plan was to corner Captain Kirk in his quarters. Chekov, clutching his calendar page, walked quickly down the hallway in search of Kirk's room. Chekov had never been to the Captains quarters before, but he'd seen the Captain go in enough to be sure it was his. Chekov had always been a bit nervous, after all he was the youngest officer aboard and he knew his accent could be a little hard to understand at times, but now he was practically shaking. He closed his eyes took a deep breath, and pushed through the unlocked door.

"Captain I-" But Chekov found he couldn't continue. In front of him was not the Captain, but Lieutenant Uhura clad only in a white bra and panties straddling a shirtless Spock. All three pairs of eyes met and Chekov could swear his face actually began to turn red.

"Chekov?!" Uhura gasped from her position atop the Vulcan.

Chekov merely stared, dumbstruck, unable to look away.

Uhura quickly attempted to disentangle herself from her superior officer and grabbed a pillow to cover herself.

"Ensign Chekov" Spock acknowledged uncomfortably as he too rose to full height on the other side of the rumpled bed.

Chevok continued to stare, at a loss for words.

"Get out!" Uhura yelled as she chucked her pillow at him.

Upon impact Chekov was startled back into reality, "Ah Sorry sorry" He cast his eyes down quickly and covered them with both his hands and the crinkled calendar page he was still clutching. "Sorry Commander, Lieutenant gah sorry sorry"

He repeated his chorus of sorry's as he carefully opened the door just wide enough to let himself slip out and then shoved it closed behind him, still chanting sorry's.

He leaned against the door and sighed. Suddenly a silver sign from across the hallway caught his attention. He stood and wandered over to the sign to read the letters carefully: James T. Kirk. Chekov quickly turned and spotted a similar sign on the door he'd accidentally walked into to find it read: Spock.

Chekov sighed and gave himself a small slap before heading into the right room.

"Captain?" Chekov called as he opened the door keeping his eyes squeezed shut, "Captain? Are you there?"

"Chekov?" Kirk asked, "What are you doing here? It's 11:53"

"Sorry to disturb you so late Captain but-"

"You know" Kirk interrupted, "I _was_ sleeping"

"Sorry Captain but-"

"Anyway what did you want to tell me Ensign?"

"I have some wery big nevs Captain. The Passover is in tvo days and I vish to hold a Seder for-"

"Hold on," Kirk said pinching the bridge of his nose, "Passover?"

"Yes sir, it is a holiday for my people where we-"

"No I know what Passover is, why are you telling me about it?"

"Sir" Chekov began, "I understand you do not like holidays, especially after the Starfleet Jevish Society's Shabbat candle incident, but-"

"Incident?!" Kirk stammered, "You practically blew up the engine room!"

"Captain, please" Chekov begged, "I vish to celebrate this most important of holidays vith my nev family. One Seder Captain, just one meal, please?"

Kirk sighed before weighing his options. On one hand, if he said no, like his inner Spock was telling him, than Chekov would continue to annoy him with constant 'Captain?!'s and Vhy?'s and wouldn't leave his cabin for at least another hour, but on the other hand if he said yes than Chekov would leave and he could go back to sleep.

"If I let you have this Saber-"

"Seder"

"Whatever, you'll keep it low profile? Small and out of the way?"

"Yes sir" Chekov practically squealed excitedly.

"And it's only one meal, right?"

"Oh yes thank you sir thank you" Chekov rushed up to the Captain and grabbed him in a crushing hug.

"Great" Kirk coughed out as he pried the young Russian off, "Now that that's done," Kirk gestured to the door.

"Ah yes sir! Thank you Captain thank you" Chekov said as he headed towards the door.

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Kirk rolled his eyes as the Ensign finally left his quarters. As exhaustion overtook him, Captain Kirk couldn't help but wonder just what he'd gotten himself into. Well, whatever it was it couldn't be that terrible, right?

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AN: Alright that's it, the first chapter of the Passover fic. Also as a note this will have TONS of drunk!Spock Annoyed!Kirk and Spock/Uhura shippyness so just bear with me (and Chekov) through this first chapter. As always Read and Review, thankies.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: First off, YAY I wrote another chapter and I really think you guys are gonna like it. Second of all OMG I got reviews. Thank you soooo much, normally I'd leave you all little messages, and I'll do that next chapter, but I have my senior prom in like a day, so I'm kinda short on time. Thank you all soooo much though, this is such a great fandom ^_^ I hope you enjoy this next chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Disclaimer: I don't own this even a little. It's all Roddenberry's.

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_

_Kirk rolled his eyes as the Ensign finally left his quarters. As exhaustion overtook him, Captain Kirk couldn't help but wonder just what he'd gotten himself into. Well, whatever it was it couldn't be that terrible, right?_

_Three days later_

The Enterprise had only been off planet for an hour before Kirk realized something was wrong. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he was sure something was amiss. It was too quiet. He carefully scanned the bridge, double checking every seat and display monitor. Everything appeared to be fine, but Kirk couldn't shake this nagging feeling.

Suddenly the door to the bridge slid open and a small army of Security officers came in carrying large plastic cases marked: MATZOS. Every single set of eyes was locked on the noisy precession as more and more cases began filling the tiny space. It seemed every time an officer had deposited his crate to the growing pile near Kirk's chair, another two appeared with even large crates.

Kirk watched in horror as his ship, his beautiful shiny ship, was stacked with boxes and boxes or a food he wasn't even sure he remembered how to pronounce, (it was a food right?)

"Mr. Spock," Kirk called in pure exasperation, "is there something wrong with this picture?"

Spock raised an eyebrow and stepped out of the way of an oncoming officer carrying a particularly large box, "To what are you referring Captain?"

Kirk silently counted to 10 and curled his fingers into a tight fist in an attempt to control his temper, "I don't know, maybe all the boxes"

Spock looked around with a small smile forming on his face, "Fascinating,"

Kirk closed his eyes, and attempted to breathe deep as the security officers continued to bring in new boxes labeled: FESTIVE MEAL.

"Captain, Captain! Excuse me," CRASH "ah, sorry, Captain!" Ensign Chekov's voice cut through the low chatter and caused half the deck to turn in his direction. Chekov shoved his way past the slew of security officers to the Captains chair, "Oy-yoy-yoy" He moaned as he observed the onslaught of food that had bombarded the bridge.

"Chekov, what the hell is going on?" Kirk asked as he saw the guilty glint in his navigators' eyes.

"Sorry sorry, the food for the Passower Seder vas brought to the vrong deck-" As soon as the words had left his mouth every security officer dropped his box, let out a large groan and a few angry curses.

Chekov looked around startled before looking back at the Captain awaiting his next order, because if the Captain honestly expected a 17 year old to fix all this he was sadly mistaken.

"Wait…what Seder?" Uhura asked from her station.

"The Passower Seder" Chekov responded simply.

Looks of confusion shot around the room.

"The…the Captain said I could hawe a Passower Seder"

And just like that, every single set of eyes was focused on Captain Kirk.

"Uhh…I said that?" He asked practically sinking into his chair.

"Yes sir!" Chekov said his head nodding in pleased agreement.

"Captain?" Uhura questioned.

"Oh yeah" He said, laughing uncomfortably, "I might have uh, said something like that…But you" he jabbed his pointing finger into Chekov's shirt, "said this was just one meal!"

"It is Captain. A meal the Jewish community can spend up to a week preparing" Sulu responded, spinning around in his chair to face the rest of the crew.

"You wanna keep YOUR festive meal on MY bridge for a WEEK?!" Kirk's eyes widened more than anyone thought possible.

"No!" Chekov answered quickly, "The meal should be in the galley"

"I believe that qualifies as an order" Spock said to all the red shirted officers. They quickly began grabbing the crates and carting them off down the elevator to the galley.

"And also," Chekov continued, "The Seder is tonight. I hawe made a list of jobs-"

"Hold on, jobs?" Uhura asked hesitantly.

"You never said anything about taking my crew away from their actually jobs to make menorahs" Kirk said, aggravation growing in his tone.

"That's Chanukah," Sulu added.

"What?"

"Menorah's are for Chanukah"

Kirk sighed, "Whatever! This Seder is officially cancelled!"

"But Captain-" Chekov began, tears practically forming in his eyes.

"Captain, may I have a word?" Spock asked.

Kirk stood and the two convened in the only corner not occupied by plastic crates, matzos, or festive meals.

"Captain, I believe it is in the ships best interest to continue with the Seder"

Kirk's mouth dropped open, "Spock, you're kidding right?"

"As you are well aware, the complexity of such humor escapes me. It is only logical to allow this celebration. A majority of the crew has expressed some desire for more parties and special occasions; this is a perfect way to fulfill that request and therefore boost morale and productivity," The Vulcan explained.

"I don't think a lot of people will see this as a party…but maybe you've got something there. I mean, if Chekov has us folding napkins instead of sitting at computer screens people will look at this like a day off…a freebee. Yeah, maybe this could work" Kirk said, mainly to himself, "Alright everyone the Seder is back on" He called loudly so as to catch everyone attention.

Chekov's eyes lit up immediately, "Thank you Captain thank you! I haew prepared a list of jobs here-"

Kirk snatched a paper Chekov had been holding and looked it over quickly before pressing the intercom and announcing, "This is your Captain speaking, we've had a change of plans for today. Tonight-"

"At sundown" Chekov whispered.

"-at sundown, we will be having a Passover Seder for anyone who wants to attend, in the dining hall. Also, in preparation for this event, I'd like Bones, Lt. Uhura, Mr. Spock, Mr. Sulu, and Scotty to meet myself and Ensign Chekov in the situation room ASAP,"

"Oh thank you thank you" Chekov gushed continuously.

Kirk rolled his eyes in amusement, "Come on Ensign, let's host a Seder"

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It took close to 15 minutes to get everyone in the situation room at the same time, but once the crew was gathered, Chekov took the floor.

"For this Seder there are 5 jobs that vill need to be completed. First ve vill need to prepare the festive meal. Captain, you and Dr. McCoy vill do this task,"

"I'm a doctor damn it not a sous-chef" McCoy muttered under his breath.

"Just pretend you're operating on the chicken Bones"

"I'm sorry are we having chicken at this thing? I'm a vegetarian"

Everyone turned to stare at Sulu.

"What?" Sulu asked in defense, "I care about the animals!"

Kirk and Spock exchanged quick glances before simultaneously raising an eyebrow.

"ah anyvay, there will be wegetarian options also"

"Like Matzo ball soup and gefilte fish?" Scotty asked hopefully.

"yeah, like that…" Uhura said monotone before mouth to Spock 'what the hell is gefilte fish'

"You don't wanna know" McCoy whispered to her.

"Okay, so next ve need someone to find the Haggadahs-"

"the Ha-what-a?" Kirk asked.

"Prayer book" Uhura replied easily.

"I thought that was the Torah" Scotty interjected.

"I believe the Torah is the equivalent to the bible" Spock informed.

"Wait, are we finding the Torah's or the Hubba's?" Kirk questioned.

"Haggadahs" McCoy corrected.

"Whatever!" Kirk shouted in aggravation.

"Why do we need to find them exactly" Uhura said, "aren't they in one of those crates on the bridge?"

"Ah, not exactly…"Chekov began, nervously twiddling his fingers, "I asked for those to be deliwered to my cabin, because they are wery important and I didn't vant them to end up in the festiwe meal. I asked Mr. Giotto to put them in my cabin…but they are, not exactly…there"

"So they're lost" Uhura stated.

"Uhura that sounds like your volunteering to find them" Kirk said mischievously.

"Oh no no no, I am NOT-"

But it was too late, Chekov's little eyes began to glow with joy, "Really?!" he practically squealed.

Uhura wanted with every fiber of being to say no, but one look at the Russians puppy dog eyes made her swallow her sentiments and reply, "…fine"

Chekov practically ran up and hugged her right there, "Thank you thank you so much Lieutenant. Thank you."

"Ensign Chekov" Spock called, a small smile only Kirk and Uhura were aware of spreading over his features, "As I am sure you have noticed, the ship is too large to searched entirely by one officer. It would be logical to send another. I respectfully put forth my name for consideration"

Chekov just about died of joy, not just one but two high ranking officers had actually volunteered to help prepare his Seder. This was easily one of the best days of the young Ensign's life.

"Oh yes, thank you thank you" He chirped.

"What?! You're letting them go off alone?! Forget it! They'll never come back!" Kirk shouted.

"Captain," Spock began, "I am insulted that you believe the Lieutenant and I are not to be trusted"

"Save it, Legolas" Kirk could feel his tempter getting the better of him.

"I beg your pardon?" Spock asked, his telltale smug smirk forming predominantly across his face.

"I'll explain it later" Uhura whispered seductively, grabbing his hand under the table.

Chekov could feel his cheeks begin to flush as Uhura licked her delicate lips, "Ah okay, last I need Mr. Scott and Mr. Sulu to prepare the Seder plate. Ewerything is labeled for you in English…I think"

"Alright" Sulu said with a quick nod.

"Do we get snacks?" Scotty asked, his head tilting to the side in a poor imitation of Chekov's own puppy dog eyes.

The entire crew gave one collective sigh.

"What?!" Scotty asked in exasperation.

McCoy rolled his eyes.

"Alright does everyone have a job?" Kirk asked rising to his full height. He looked around quickly to see everyone present nodding or agreeing in some way shape or form. "Alright then…I can't believe I'm about to say this but, Seder Stations!"

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AN: Well that's chapter two. Hope everyone liked it. This chapter was freakishly fun to write, although I get a bad feeling a made these guys sound a bit too unrealistic. Anyway thank for reading. Next chapter look forward to either: Bones and Kirk attempting to cook or Uhura and Spock going through people's room's. Please review with any and all kinds of feedback, I'd love to know how I'm doing. Humor is some of the hardest writing I've ever had to do, so just let me know if I'm failing epically. R&R Thankies.

AN2: Ah also just want to clear some things up for those die hard trekkies/trekkers 1) Everyone knows that Vulcan's are veggies and therefore Spock does not mention it when Sulu mentions his vegetarianism, it is already a well established fact and in no way reflects on Spock as a character but instead on the Vulcan digestive system. 2) Kirk knows who Legolas super-elf is because he has seen the LOTR movies. IMO the LOTR movies have become classics and have somehow survived all those years in the future…it makes sense it my head so I guess that's good enough lolz. Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Alright here is chapter 3. Thank you so much for reviewing St. Valentine, Uki200, BloomingSparrow, DragonWitch250, Smiley, Dexgal, AI, Port-of-Seas, The Pyscho Pyro, LunarEclispe, and Tessasama. Your kind words are always appreciated. This chapter is a little shorter than the others but I think it works. I have more with these two eh-hem…situation but I broke it into multiple chapters. I hope you enjoy this, it's a bit more fluff than comedy. AND just a note, Drunk!spock will be here a plenty just a little later in the story. Not sit back relax, and enjoy the chaos.

Disclaimer: Still not my characters. They belong to people far more creative than I (like Roddenberry)

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"_Alright does everyone have a job?" Kirk asked rising to his full height. He looked around quickly to see everyone present nodding or agreeing in some way shape or form. "Alright then…I can't believe I'm about to say this but, Seder Stations!" _

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Jim Kirk never refused a challenge…ever, except when it came to cooking. He'd tried to make dinner for one of his girlfriends once and it hadn't ended well. Not only had he managed to give her food poisoning but she promptly broke up with him. It had not been a good experience.

"Bones, please tell me you know what you're doing" Kirk practically begged.

"Relax Jim, I'm a highly trained medical professional, I think I can figure out how to press a few buttons. Now which one of these crates has the goods?" McCoy said, looking easily around the room, confidence in his posture.

"I'm gonna say the ones marked 'FESTIVE MEAL'" Kirk replied sarcastically.

McCoy rolled his eyes before lifting the nearest crate, they were all stacked neatly on the floor, and hoisted it onto the table. Secretly McCoy had been quite interested in culinary arts as a child and if he hadn't decided to go to medical school, he'd be aboard the Enterprise as a personal chef.

"Let's just see what we have here" He whispered to himself.

As he opened the box, all of his confidence dribbled away with a pitiful plop. McCoy considered himself well-versed in food preparation, no not well-versed, damn good at food preparation. But the items he found in the box were NOT what he expected.

From inside the box, McCoy removed a set of instructions. The cover read "VI"

"Why's it marked 6?" Kirk asked. As the words left his mouth, Kirk realized exactly why it was marked 6, "No. This festive meal has to be made in numerical order? Bones, say it isn't so"

McCoy carefully unfolded the instructions and read them aloud, "Step 67) Add packet marked festive seasoning 4 to the sauce mixed during Step 38."

"Crap," Kirk sighed, "We have to find box 1 don't we?"

"Yeah Jim, that's what we have to do" McCoy answered, none too happy about the task himself.

"This" Kirk started, cracking open crates 8 and 13, "Is gonna suck"

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"So, whose room should we search first?" Uhura asked playfully.

"Lieutenant, choosing rooms to search based solely on their occupant as oppose to their relevance to Ensign Chekov's room is highly illogical. Yet…"

Uhura felt her features break out into an enormous smile, "Yet for some illogical reason, you want to"

He gave a small genuine chuckle, "Yes" He said simply.

"Well then come on" She grabbed his arm and pulled him into the nearest room. As soon as they had booth cleared the threshold the door slid shut behind them. Spock looked around the room carefully before coming to the conclusion that Uhura had just dragged him into Kirk's cabin.

"Nyota…what are we doing in the captains quarters?"

"Looking for Haggadahs" She answered innocently.

Spock raised an eyebrow, an amused gleam in his eyes.

Uhura gave him a flirtatious grin before starting around the cabin. She walked slowly, swinging her hips to a beat only she could hear. Spock fought to keep his face blank. Uhura walked aimlessly around Kirk's room occasionally stopping to peer behind bookshelves and open drawers. After several minutes of finding absolutely nothing of interest, Uhura folded her arms across her chest and gave a small pout.

"Have you found any…Haggadahs?" Spock asked amused, choosing his words carefully.

"Why don't you come over here and find out?" She asked.

Spock felt his lips turn up into a gentle smile as he began walking towards her. When he approached, she easily slid her arms around his neck as his took place at her hips. She tilted her head and gave him a small kiss before they became fully absorbed in each other's eyes.

Suddenly with no warning, Spock's twisted around to face the door. Confusion settled on Uhura's face, but a few seconds later she understood, "Are those…"

"Footsteps. Yes, I believe someone is coming" He said monotone.

"What?!" She whispered. While Uhura did enjoy messing with the Captain even she knew how much trouble she'd be in for being in the Captains quarters, unauthorized, and with her superior officer/boyfriend.

Uhura looked around, searching for a hiding place before making a dash for the closet, "Come on" She beckoned as Spock walked calmly over to the closet. As soon as he was at arm's length, she grabbed his hand, pulled him in and the door slid shut.

No sooner had the door closed when another door opened. Uhura was absolutely still; waiting and listening for what would happen next…Hopefully it wasn't Kirk come to change his shirt.

A soft clicking could be heard, women's footsteps Uhura deduced.

"Christine! Wait, don't go just let me explain" A male voice called from within the room.

"No Roger, just leave me alone. There's nothing more to talk about" The woman, whom Uhura could guarantee was Christine Chapel, replied.

Uhura felt her eyebrows shoot up in interest before she shoved her ear up against the door.

"Nyota-"

"shhh" She whispered, waving Spock away.

"I fear this will be a long wait" Spock said to himself before folding his arms firmly across his chest and leaning into a make-shift seat of dirty laundry, "A very long wait"

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AN: Yeah, it's shorter and stuff but at least I've remembered to update ^_^ Anyway thanks for reading everyone. As always please review, I'm a review-whore. It makes me smile.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: Hey again everyone. Here it is, chapter 4. Thanks again to the reviewers (but I'd still love to hear more hint-hint to those of you who read but don't).

**beautiful dreamere**– Meal by numbers is inspired by Ikea furniture instructions, lolz, **dexgal** – apparently your threatening tone works. Two days for an updates not bad right? **The Pyscho Pyro** – I figure Kirk's room is just like a nightclub when Kirk isn't there, **uki200** – This chapter's a bit longer and don't worry Spock will get drunk soon ^_^ **Beatlemaniac1** – Thank you so much for your kind words, I love being called a genius! **Port-of-Seas** – Yeah she had to, lolz. **St. Valentine** – I accept your applause with tears in my eyes. Thank you so much, **HoVis** – I love Chekov also, he's just so cute. **kalenel** – I'm glad you stumbled onto this too.

Again thanks to all my reviewers, I love you and I hope you enjoy this chapter

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

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"_I fear this will be a long wait" Spock said to himself before folding his arms firmly across his chest and leaning into a make-shift seat of dirty laundry, "A very long wait" _

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"You pig!"

"Christine, please just me-"

"What. Give you what Roger? Another chance, well you can just forget it!"

"Christine, be reasonable!"

SLAP

Uhura winced while Spock tenderly touched his cheek simply imagining how much that probably stung.

"Ouch" Uhura whispered

"Indeed" Spock said nodding. Despite knowing full well how futile these emotional arguments were, Spock was almost enjoying listening to the two.

"I saw you with Holly. Don't even bother trying to cover it up. It's over!"

"Baby-"

"Don't you DARE baby me!"

Both Spock and Uhura turned to exchange glances before returning their ears to their respective areas of the closet door.

"Spock" Uhura called quietly.

"Yes," He responded automatically, only half listening as he gave a majority of his attention to the break up on the other side of the door.

"If you ever cheated on me, you'd tell me right?" She asked casually.

Spock sensing the loaded statement he'd just been given, lightly touched Uhura's cheek before turning her face to meet his in a gentle kiss.

"Nyota" He began, "That is an unnecessary question as I have no need for anyone else but you."

Uhura couldn't help but grin and nod.

"YOU BITCH!"

"GO TO HELL JACKASS"

With the sudden explosion of activity in the other room, Uhura and Spock simultaneously shoved their ears against the door.

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Kirk scratched his head uncomfortably. He and McCoy had managed to open and properly arrange all the "FESTIVE MEAL" boxes in proper numerical order, however after a very brief incident with the seasoning packets and the tofurkey McCoy had decided it was better if Kirk sat quietly and watched.

"Jim, hand me that colander"

"Sure" Kirk said with confidence. He quickly scanned the kitchen before realizing he had absolutely no idea what a colander was, "Bones…the colander, that's the one with slots in the spoon…right?"

McCoy rolled his eyes, "Never mind" he hissed as he darted over to a cabinet and removed a bowl with holes punched into it.

"Bones that's not gonna hold anything. The water'll just go out the holes" Kirk stated obviously.

"That's the idea Jim" Bones replied.

"Oh"

Kirk watched Bones work in uncomfortable silence for what felt like forever to the young captain. He absolutely hated doing nothing. There had to be _something_ he could do, anything at all.

Noticing the Captain twiddling his thumbs and looking rather dejected in the corner, McCoy couldn't help but feel a pang of sympathy.

"Jim" He began uncertainly, "will you read off the next step for me?"

Kirk perked up almost instantaneously. He grabbed the instruction packet marked "III" and began reading about halfway down the page, "step 34) add Charoses packet (apple) to Charoses packet (nuts) in Festive Bowl 3"

McCoy did as the instructions advised, before turning to Kirk for the next set of packets to open. Kirk however, seemed to be off in his own world. McCoy was amazed at how quickly his attention span depleted.

McCoy cleared his throat, loudly, in an attempt to bring Kirk back to cooking, but Kirk didn't respond. The Captain currently had his nose pressed up against the tiny "oven window" as he affectionately called it, and was intently watching his botched tofurkey cook.

"And what may I ask, is so interesting about a slow roasting fake turkey?" McCoy asked hostilely, snatching the instructions out of Kirks fingers.

"Hey Bones, is it possible for tofurky to blow up in an oven?"

Taken aback by the question, McCoy almost dropped his festive bowl 3 with the half finished Charoses on the floor.

"It's possible I suppose…why?"

"No reason."

"Jim."

"Bones, relax, it was just a question."

Somehow, that did nothing to calm McCoy's growing worry.

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"Baby I'm so sorry"

"I know, and I want to trust you...but I just can't, Roger. Try to understand"

Uhura sighed, her ear no longer up against the door. At first this had been a lot of fun but now it just felt like this was going in circles. Christine would be mad, Roger would apologize, she'd get madder, he'd apologize again, they'd say they're back together, he'd say something stupid and they whole damn thing would start all over again. After about the 3rd time around, Uhura had lost patience with them.

Spock was feeling the same, although he'd grown tired with the maybe-couple after the 1st cycle completed itself. It was moments like these that made him thankful he was involved with someone as sensible as Nyota.

"This is getting old" Uhura whispered to Spock.

"I concur" The Vulcan stated.

"We never found the Haggadahs" Uhura remembered.

As the words left her mouth, an idea planted itself firmly in Uhura's mind. Just like that, she knew exactly how to pass the time, "Let's play I spy"

Spock raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"You know, I spy" Uhura said almost cheerfully.

Spock's blank expression remained.

"I spy with my little eye something yellow"

"I do not understand the purpose of this. There are many yellow items in this closet and therefore it is illogical for one to know to what you are referring"

Uhura sighed, "Never mind"

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Kirk continued to watch the tofurkey with surreal concentration. It was making McCoy nervous. Never had he known Jim Kirk to watch something so completely unless it was female and heading his way.

"Jim…How's that fake bird looking?" He asked tentatively.

Kirk didn't respond.

"Jim?" He asked again, his eyes glued to the younger man in front of the oven.

"All good" Kirk responded absentmindedly.

Now McCoy was really frightened. However, Kirk's complete and total absorption with the oven was quickly forgotten when he started smelling smoke and hearing sizzling and popping. McCoy looked over all of his pots on the stove; he could find nothing on his side of the kitchen that would be burning right now.

"Quick question" Kirk asked out of nowhere, "If the tofurkey starts making weird sounds does that mean it's done?"

McCoy's eyes widened in realization.

"Take it out!" He yelled.

"Huh?" Kirk asked, back to his cooking-impaired, oven-entranced self.

"The turkey-"

"Tofurkey"

"TAKE IT OUT!"

"But the timer says-"

"TAKE IT OUT NOW!"

Kirk, afraid of being yelled at again, yanked the oven door open before turning to McCoy dumbly, "I don't have any hot-tray holder things"

McCoy immediately tossed a pair of potholders to Kirk, who carefully removed the tray of tofurkey and placed it on a cooling rack. The fake-bird continued to sizzle and make various noises, as McCoy wiped his brow in relief. That had had the potential to be really bad.

"Hey Bones" Kirk began again.

"Yeah Jim" He replied in exasperation.

"There's a bubble on the side…what would happen if I…" As Kirk trailed, McCoy felt a familiar dread fill him. His eyes shot up just in time to see Kirk about to plunge a knife into a very large bubble on the side of the tofurkey.

"Jim, don't!"

* * *

AN: There it is. Review for more and thanks everyone for reading and remember, the Vulcan sign originated in Judaism. A trek Passover had been long overdue lol. I hope you all enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

AN: Alright here it is the nest chapter. Thanks to all who reviewed and please keep those comments coming. Feedback helps the writer a) get fired up to write new chapters and b) makes me feel loved, awwww. So again thanks to all you lovely reviewers.

**beautiful dreamere** – Glad you liked the tofurkey and Kirk should NEVER cook any sort of holiday meal…ever, **dragonwitch250 **– I know, I feel soo back for McCoy, I'm amazed he hasn't killed Kirk yet, **Selene the Slytherin** – normally I don't showcase my Jew-pride but hellz yeah. I find it so funny how many people in the original cast were Jewish, ** XtinaW** – Yeah Spock and games seems to be a no-no…poor Uhura, **Caitiri** – Kirk's interest in the tofurkey is actually based on my friend obsession with them, I just think Kirk would totally be like that in the kitchen, **uki200** – I'm glad you found this chapter especially funny. I love how even Spock listens in to other peoples conversations lol, **Port-of-Seas** – Kirk should seriously be banned from Kitchen Stadium at this point and yeah, Christine can do way better than Roger IMO, **Ohtar Vicky** – I Spy is totally illogical! Oh Spock, that's why we love you, **Psychodahlia** – Passover is to me a holiday very suited for Trek, the large gathers, the food disasters, I find it ripe with inspiration, **justjustice** – Well this update wasn't as soon as the others but hey, I got it done. Hope you enjoy this next chapter, **XUrMomX** – Drunk Spock is on the way don't worry. This chapter actually paves the way for some of that.

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

"_There's a bubble on the side…what would happen if I…" As Kirk trailed, McCoy felt a familiar dread fill him. His eyes shot up just in time to see Kirk about to plunge a knife into a very large bubble on the side of the tofurkey. _

"_Jim, don't!"_

---------------

Suddenly, the room was filled with flying chucks of tofurkey. It took at least 5 minutes for the fake-meat and gravy to clear the air. When the dust finally settled, Kirk gave a small cough, "That could've been worse"

The second the words left his mouth, McCoy smacked him upside the head.

Kirk rubbed the spot gingerly as the two surveyed the kitchen (aka ground zero as McCoy called it). Gravy and faux-turkey juice covered large patches of the floor while smoking bits of tofu clung to the walls and cabinets.

Amazed at the destructive power a fake-bird had, Kirk let out a low whistle. "Huh, who would've thought all this came from that" He said as he poked whatever remained of the tofurkey.

"Who would've though all this came from _you_" McCoy said in aggravation.

"Me?" Kirk asked in innocent confusion, "What did I do?"

McCoy fought every instinct in his body not to strangle Kirk where he stood. Instead, the doctor took 3 deep breaths before addressing his Captain through clenched teeth.

"Nevermind" He said slowly emphasizing every syllable, "Just…clean…this…up"

Kirk looked around the room again. Half of it looked like the apocalypse had just hit, granted it was his designated side, but still. Jim Kirk didn't clean.

"You want me to clean up all of this?"

McCoy nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

"All of it?!"

McCoy nodded, again.

"All?...Seriously?"

"For the love of God Jim, just clean this up!"

"Bones, this'll take forever"

McCoy almost snapped his slotted spoon in half, "Than you better get started…now"

Kirk sighed before starting off towards the broom closet in search of a mop, or vacuum, or whatever it was you used to clean up exploded tofurkey. Once Kirk was out of sight and safely rummaging through cleaning supplies, McCoy let out a tired sigh. He knew Jim wasn't trying to be a pain in the ass; he simply had a natural gift for it.

Reveling in the newly found silence, McCoy surveyed the room again. Luckily, the mess had only covered under a half of the room. Really, it wouldn't take that long to clean and while Kirk was cleaning McCoy could finish the cooking in peace. Maybe the exploding meal wasn't so terrible after all. Besides, anything that kept Kirk occupied was immediacy deemed a godsend as far as McCoy was concerned.

"Hey Bones" Kirk called from the broom closet, "Where do we keep the-"

CRASH

And just like that Kirk had managed get himself into trouble….again. McCoy rolled his eyes as the clamor died down, and a very unhappy Kirk emerged. His shirt was covered in dirty water with a few splotches of tofurkey gravy running down the front.

"I fell…" He stated dumbly.

McCoy gave him a look that clearly said, "I know, I heard"

"I need a new shirt"

McCoy again stared, remaining speechless.

"I'm gonna change and then I'll cleanup"

McCoy raised an eyebrow in annoyance. It wasn't out of the realm of possibility for Kirk to "go off to change" and conveniently never return to clean up his stupid fake-bird mess.

"I'll come back" Kirk said defensibly, "I promise. Scouts honor"

With that Kirk left the kitchen and headed off to his room, possibly never to be seen from again.

"Scouts honor huh?" McCoy repeated as he mixed festive bowl 3, "Too bad you're not a scout, Jim"

------------

"Christine baby, I love you"

"Oh Roger. I think, I love you to"

"So we're cool. We're back together"

"Yeah, I really like you Roger"

"Christine you mean everything to me"

"Well…that's not exactly truth now is it?"

"What's that suppose to mean"

"You cheated on me! If you really cared"

"So now I don't care?!"

"God Roger you're such an ass! I don't what I was thinking!"

The argument raged on this fashion for what felt like an eternity, but Uhura and Spock had long given up attempting to listen. Uhura, who was growing increasingly bored, was very focused on finding a way to alleviate her boredom.

"Truth or dare?" She asked, eyes trained on Spock's subtly confused face.

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow as he'd done every time she'd suggested a game he did not see value in, "Truth or dare is not a logical choice of game. As a Vulcan I can must always tell the truth and as such-"

Uhura cut him off by gently pressing her finger against his lips, "Okay okay. Not truth or dare…Never have I ever?"

"I am not familiar with the game" He mumbled as her finger remained on his lips.

"Normally it's a drinking game but-"

"If it as a game that involves alcohol then I am unable to play. It would be unfair as Vulcan's are not affected as easily as humans"

Now Uhura raised an eyebrow. This was news to her, and she considered herself very well versed in alien cultures.

"You can't get drunk?" She asked in amusement.

"Intoxication can be caused by many substances. Alcohol is not one of those substances" He responded, enjoying her excitement at the topic.

"So what kinds of substances do affect you?" A mischievous grin settling in on her features.

"It would be unwise for me to divulge such information"

Uhura's grin quickly changed to a pout, "I will tickle it out of you if I have to"

"Vulcan's are not ticklish"

"And you're not all-Vulcan"

Spock quickly weighed his options before deciding now was NOT the time to find out if he was in fact ticklish. He cleared his throat uncomfortably before speaking, "Vulcan's tend to had a particular…limitation for ingesting chocolate"

"Chocolate?" She asked giggling, "As in Hershey and Nestle?"

Spock nodded, seriousness plastered to his features.

"Really?"

"As I mentioned earlier, it is impossible for a Vulcan to lie-"

Again Spock was cut off as Uhura leaned in and kissed him gently. As she attempted to scoot closer to him, and deepen the kiss, Uhura felt her something under her hand. She pulled away and looked under her palm to find a discarded deck of playing cards.

"Cards" She whispered, her eyes lighting up, "This is it! Let's play a card game! How about war?"

"The title alone promotes violent behavior"

"Old Maid?"

"I am unfamiliar with this game"

"Go Fish?"

Spock grinned, "I would very much enjoy that"

Uhura felt her own smile widen as she dealt out a hand.

----------

Kirk wandered down the hallway as slowly as possible. While he really did want to get out of his wet and dirty shirt, he really didn't want to go back and clean the kitchen. The whole point of being a Captain was so that other people could do the cleaning and cooking for you.

Unfortunately for Kirk his trip down the hallway wasn't as long as he'd hoped for. He'd always been a fast walker, and he'd always regarded it as a good thing, except for today. As Kirk approached his room, he began to hear voices. People were arguing, inside _his_ cabin. Curious he shoved his ear up against the door.

"GO TO HELL BITCH"

"I'LL SEE YOU THERE ASSHOLE!"

Kirks eyes widened in surprise. Was that voice…Christine Chapel? Tempted to stay and listen in, Kirk's wet shirt was actually starting to annoy him. The doors slip open and Kirk felt his jaw actually drop as his eyes took in the scene before him.

Nurse Christine Chapel's hands were desperately grasping for the zipper on her dress as Dr. Roger Korbys trousers hung around his ankles, both with looks of sheer hatred on their faces.

The entire thing would have made Kirk laugh, if they hadn't been in _his_ room. As the door had opened, both sets of eyes turned instantly to Kirk before Christine let out a gasp and Roger dived for his pants. They seemed equally embarrassed.

"Captain" Christine began in a desperate attempt to walk away from this with a shred of dignity.

"No explanation necessary" Kirk said, "I haven't seen anything. I just walked into an empty room"

Nurse Chapel gave Kirk a warm and thankful smile. She quickly walked to the door and gave Kirk a peck on the cheek, "Thank you Captain. You're a real gentleman." With that she left the room, a dumbstruck Roger Korby following after her a fresh argument already beginning.

"Now who's the cheater huh?" Kirk could hear Roger exclaim.

Kirk rolled his eyes and let out a laugh as the door slid shut and he was now in the privacy of his own empty room. Suddenly remembering his shirt, Kirk pulled it over his head and tossed it in a corner. He looked around quickly to see if he had any spares out, but seeing none he began towards the closet.

---------------

"Any 2's?"

"I believe it is time for you to go fish"

Uhura sighed and grabbed a card from the top of the deck; to her complete and utter shock she drew a 2.

"Yay!" She squealed in excitement, "My turn again"

Spock gave her an encouraging smile, he loved seeing her happy.

"Got any aces's?"

Spock handed her 2 aces. As she added them to her pile she did a small cheer. It wasn't often you could win against a Vulcan. Normally they played 3-dimentional chess, in which there was virtually no contest. Spock won every round. In Go Fish however, Uhura was ahead.

"Got any-"

However, Uhura never finished her sentence. Just as she was about to ask for 10's the closet door slid open and there staring at her on the other side was Captain Kirk himself.

Sitting on the ground with the small stack of cards in her hand and Kirk staring, there was only one thought in Uhura's mind,

Crap.

------------------

AN: Just a note about the Vulcan's and alcohol and chocolate. I know this isn't cannon but I always thought it was a nice little thing and so I'm using this logic in my story. Sorry if it drives anyone crazy. This chapter was a breeze to write so I hope you all enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much and remember please review.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: and I'm back. Thanks everyone for the kind reviews; they are my drug of choice. This chapter was a lot harder to write, so bare with me. Thanks everyone again for reading and for making me feel loved.

**Selene the Slytherin** – *makes Vulcan/jew hand sign* hell yeah! Go Purim, **Hover** – oh Kirk and the tofurkey, just wait until he has to babysit the pot-roast! **uki200** – I hadn't even thought of Kirk playing cards, I smell a plot bunny lolz, **Port-of-Seas – **If you like Christine, I think this chapter will have a fun reveal for you, **Renaly** – Totally not lame to be a night owl. I do alot of my writing between the hours of midnight and 3 am. **serena713** – Go fish is totally logical! That's why it's like the best card game ever, **asiarikka** – I'm well on my way to the chocolate. I'll give everyone a little hint. Since you can't have most baked goods for desert 3 guesses as to what a majority of their desert is made outa, **dragonwitch250 – **Spock is a master at defusing odd situations, I'd be more worried about Uhura dying in shame, **St. Valentine** – awww, thanks so much. I love being 10 tons of awesome. I hope this chapter lives up to expectation, **Ohtar Vicky – **I feel so bad for Vulcans. I'd be drunk all the time too. I'm eating Hershey kisses while I type this lol, **DiscoUnicorn** – Chekov is sooooo cute! He'll come back soonish I promise. **BrownCoatFireflyCaptain** – OMG can I just say I love your username. Mal = life.

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

_

* * *

_

_Sitting on the ground with the small stack of cards in her hand and Kirk staring, there was only one though in Uhura's mind, _

_Crap_

------------------

The three remained still as statues, staring at each other uncomfortably in awkward silence for what felt like an eternity. No one dared move for fear of shattering whatever odd spell had prevented either party from running into outer space screaming. After 5 minutes of this, Spock decided it was his duty as first officer to break the silence and restore reality to this bizarre situation.

"Captain," Spock began automatically.

"Lemme guess, "Kirk stated dryly, "there's a logical reason for you being here right now…with cards…in my closet"

Uhura nodded her head quickly, finding it incredibly difficult to look Kirk in the eyes.

"We are searching for Haggadah's" Spock answered his voice calm and steady.

Kirk raised an eyebrow as if to say 'do _you actually expect me to believe that?_' He glanced quickly from Uhura's guilty face to the pile of cards in her hands before deciding maybe he didn't want to know what had happened in his closet. The thought of the ships most infamous couple in his room was weird enough; he didn't even want to think about what weird kinky stuff the cards were there for.

"Okay…sure, you were looking for Hubababa's" Kirk replied.

"Haggadah" The closet duo corrected in unison.

"Whatever" Kirk grumbled, "Just get out"

Spock and Uhura exchanged quick glances as if to confirm what they had just head. Kirk simply rolled his eyes in exasperation. Was it really that hard to believe he's throw them out without calling security…or assigning them each extra work shifts? Kirk was almost insulted.

"Beg pardon?" Spock asked.

"Get out of my closet"

Both Spock and Uhura quickly rose to standing height and made a beeline for the door. As soon as the two left the room, Kirk reached into his closet, got a new shirt out (not exactly sure if it was clean, but it didn't smell so it was kosher) and collapsed onto his bed.

"I need to get a lock" Kirk sighed to himself.

----------------

Uhura and Spock wandered the Enterprise hallway with matching expressions of humiliation and shock on their features. While Spock's emotions quickly faded, Uhura felt like hiding her face and never showing it ever again. How had they become _that_ couple? The couple you can't trust on their own because they'd probably end up having- she couldn't even say it. How could this happen to her? Her reputation, her beloved reputation was officially in ruins.

"Is everything alright Lieutenant?" Spock asked, ripping her from her thoughts.

"Not really" Uhura responded, her voice practically shaking.

"May I be of any assistance?" He asked genuinely, concern knit into his brow.

Uhura wanted to be mad, she really wanted to be upset over the loss of her reputation, but somehow, looking at him hearing his voice she just couldn't be. She could never be mad at him, just seeing him was enough to make her feel better.

"You already have been" She said, allowing a grin to spread over her as she laced her fingers into his.

Spock let a smile grace his face before once again regaining composure, "Where shall we search next?"

Uhura thought for a moment before declaring, "Sulu's Room"

Spock raised an eyebrow, "Is there any particular reason for this location?"

Uhura shook her head, "Not really"

And so the two set off, hands intertwined, in search of Lieutenant Sulu's room.

---------------

McCoy practically had a heart attack when he saw Jim Kirk reenter the kitchen. He was positive Jim wouldn't bother coming back. As he watched the younger man cross the threshold, a mop in hand McCoy wasn't sure if he should be thanking God or cursing him.

"Alright Bones, I'm ready to clean" Kirk sighed.

McCoy gave him a less than encouraging look before turning back to his instruction packet. He was already on step 73, "So, what took you so long?" He asked while adding Festive spice 12 to Festive bowl 16.

Kirk smirked without responding.

Peaking McCoy's interest he probed further, "I can hear you laughing Jim. What happened?"

"You know Nurse Chapel?"

McCoy froze, "Chapel?" He asked, worry in his voice as a cold sweat washed over him. Was it possible Kirk knew? "What about Nurse Chapel?"

"Her and Roger Korby from the Science department-"

But Kirk never got a change to finish his sentence as McCoy "accidentally" let a packet of flour drop to the floor, scattering white powder everywhere.

"Damn it!" Kirk yelled observing the new addition to the mess, "Now I have to clean that up too! Bones!"

"Sorry Jim" McCoy replied, not at all sorry for dropping the flour.

"You should be" Kirk muttered to himself, pushing a mop across the floor, "Where was I, Oh right Chapel"

McCoy sighed; this was going to be a long and very painful story. Call him crazy, but McCoy never enjoyed hearing stories about his lover and her boyfriend.

----------------

"This is it?" Uhura asked, disappointed.

"It appears so" Spock replied.

Uhura sighed as she walked around Sulu's cabin. It was perfect. Squeaky clean, not a thread out of place. Everything was put away neatly, not a trace of personality, just standard furniture and a miniature Zen garden atop a clear glass table. In the center of the room a large white crate had been placed. It read in familiar bright red lettering: MATZO and in smaller lettering "courtesy of the intergalactic matzo company".

"I believe we have located the haggadah's" Spock said while cracking open the crate. Just as he expected the crate contained stacks to thin blue books decorated with Hebrew letters.

"Our task is complete" Spock announced sadly.

"Or maybe not" Uhura whispered.

Spock turned around to find Uhura sitting on the floor by Sulu's bed a black shoebox in her hands. Spock's curiosity got the better of him as he padded over to see what she had found.

"Nobody's perfect" She said, a mischievous smile gracing her features as her fingers found the edges of shoebox cover. Quickly, she removed it and gasped at what lay inside the innocent looking box.

"Wow" Uhura said, feeling her face redden, "just…wow"

* * *

AN: What has Uhura found in the box? Tune in next week for another bizarre chapter of Mah Nishtanah! Same Trek-time same trek-channel. Lolz, I hope you all enjoyed. I know this one is a little short but remember it's a transition chapter. Next one will be longer and a lot funnier I promise. As always thanks so much for reading and pretty please review.


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Alright here's the next chapter. Thanks so much for being patient with me. I know, I suck. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I worked hard, it was difficult to write. Thanks to the loyal reviewers I love all of you. BTW I've been watching Heroes and for anyone who likes Zackary Quinto it is well worth it. Just throwing that out there. Anyway thanks for everything everyone and continue to review.

**Hover** – I personally love the idea of Chapel and Bones. There's something classic about a doctor/nurse pairing, **DiscoUnicorn** – I'm glad you're loving it! Chapel's a bit of a hypocrite but hey everyone's got something right? **BrownCoatFireflyCaptain** – OMG I love pink and furry. I've incorporated that into the chapter, that is sooooo good, **XtinaW** – I love torturing Bones. The poor guy goes through a lot within the next 2 chapters, **MagicalMary** – Glad you're finding it so funny, I hope you enjoy this chapter too, **RizzaLikesPizza** – Oh definitely. She did find *** in the box. Actually I debated if what's in the box needed a ratings bumb (shifty eyes) **Psychodahlia** – Man I had no idea this box would be so interesting to people. I hope what I put in it lives up to your expectation, **.dolphins** – Haggadah's are in Sulu's room because of chapter 2. And Kirk doesn't have a lock because it served my plot lolz, **Selene the Slytherin **– haha, Sulu's bris is good, but last I checked there's something much more compromising in that box, **Port-of-Seas** – If you feel dirty after this one just wait until after. I pray to god this chapter didn't jump the shark, **Tolly** – I can guarantee that we will very soon be joining Sulu and Scotty and Chekov…just not this chapter. But like in the next 2 chapters or so we'll be seeing some more of them, **Ohtar Vicky** – Jim and cleaning oh god. Poor guy, I feel bad. In reality I don't think he's very good at anything but leading the Enterprise…that's it. He should be kept away from cleaning, cooking, laundry and more, **Desperately Seeking Reason** – I think you mean keep on keepin' Woman, and I'm really happy this makes you lol. Tis my goal. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's

* * *

"_Nobody's perfect" She said, a mischievous smile gracing her features as her fingers found the edges of the shoebox cover. Quickly, she removed it and gasped at what lay inside the innocent looking box. _

"_Wow" Uhura said, feeling her face redden, "just…wow" _

-----

Uhura carefully reached inside and lifted the first rectangular object out of the box, her eyes widening.

"Is that…" She asked, "Is that a pink furry thong?"

Spock raised an eyebrow while examining the photograph before responding, in an all too calm manner, "Yes, I believe it is"

Uhura stared at the magazine, rereading the title over and over, "Hustler". There on the cover, clad only in a pink furry thong, was a very attractive blonde. Uhura flipped open the cover and began to thumb through the pages. At about the middle of the magazine, a thought occurred to her. She quickly rubbed her thumb over the rest of her fingers, feeling for any sort of stickiness on them.

"EWW!" She yelled as she kicked away the possibly unsanitary magazine.

"It is not uncommon for human's to desire and keep such things, Nyota" Spock said as he took the shoebox and began to look through the other magazines hidden safely within. They were of varying titles, all with images of beautiful human women on their covers.

"Not that uncommon?" She repeated, "So you're saying **you** have a shoebox full of porn hiding in your room?"

"I have no comment on the matter" He said a little too quickly.

Uhura, realizing she really didn't want to think about her boyfriend having his own stash of these somewhere, decided it was time to put them back and leave.

"Come on we should get the haggadah's to Chekov" She said, pushing a magazine with her foot over to the shoebox.

Spock, having learnt long ago it was best to listen when Uhura asked him to do something, began putting the magazines he'd taken out back into the box. He placed them in one at a time, reviewing the covers once more. As he continued with this process, Uhura took a seat on Sulu's eerily pristine bed.

Immediately after sitting, Uhura could swear she felt something under the sheets. She very carefully peeled back the covers and there on the bed, starting her strait in the face was another magazine.

"Wow…"

------------------

"And then she kissed me"

McCoy felt like his head was about to explode. Why did Jim not have an off switch? Was his Captain really this stupid?

"I'm thinking of asking her to the Seder"

McCoy froze, "Like a date?" He asked cautiously, afraid of the answer.

"Yeah something like that" Kirk said from his position on the floor. In an attempt to clean up all the flour, Kirk had gotten down on his hands and knees with a sponge and was currently scrubbing the floor.

"Well that's just faaantastic" McCoy responded, sarcasm dripping from his every word as he poured milk directly onto the floor.

"Hey! Watch it up there! It's like you're dropping things on purpose!" Kirk yelled as the waterfall of milk missed him by mere inches.

"Sorry Jim, I'll try and be more careful" McCoy said, pushing a lump of butter onto the floor as well.

"Bones!"

"Sorry" McCoy responded, not at all sorry.

"At this rate we won't have anything left for the Seder" Kirk grumbled as he mopped up milk.

McCoy used every ounce of self-restraint he could muster to keep himself from pouring festive sauce packet 30 all over Kirk's unsuspecting head. At this moment, he wanted nothing more than his captain to just go away.

"Hey Bones" Kirk began in that ever-annoying voice McCoy had no desire to hear.

"What" The doctor replied attempting to keep his temper from seeping into his voice.

"How're you supposed to get flour off the floor?"

"Why?" McCoy questioned his anger dissipating.

Silence.

"Jim?"

Silence.

"JIM"

"Never-mind"

McCoy was suddenly filled with dread. This was all beginning to sound all too familiar.

"Hey Bones?" Kirk began again.

"What now?"

"Do flour and water make some kinda paste thing?"

"Why?" McCoy could feel the color leaving his face.

"Just wondering"

"Jim"

"Really, just a harmless question"

"Jim…Is there paste all over the floor?"

"I was kinda hoping you wouldn't notice"

---------------------

Spock and Uhura sat on Sulu's bed eyes stuck to the magazine Uhura had found under the mattress.

"As a Vulcan I find this most unsettling"

"As the Vulcan's girlfriend I find this most unsettling"

The two continued to stare at the closed magazine.

"Do you think we should open it?" Uhura asked cautiously. After all, it really wasn't her place to simply rip open the cover, it was Spock's. Ultimately this magazine would be more… mentally scarring to him than to her.

"Spock" She asked gently as she got no reply.

He simply nodded, unable to bring himself to speak. To think all this time, Sulu had been looking at- no he couldn't even allow his thoughts to go that far.

"Ok, on the count of 3. 1…2…3" As soon as the words had left her mouth she flipped a handful of pages and the pairs eyes fell on a large 2-page spread.

"So Vulcan porn has…"

"Yes" He replied curtly.

"Huh…"

Uhura was bewildered. Not only had she just discovered Vulcan porn contained both women's and men's images, she had also learnt that Sulu kept said porn in his room…under his covers…doing god knows what…possibly thinking about HER Vulcan boyfriend.

"Nyota" Spock whispered, interrupting her train of thought.

"Yes?" She replied.

"Do you hear something?"

Uhura felt her heart stop. Were those…footsteps? No…it was something else…a scream? It sounded vaguely like McCoy. Now if only she could make out what he was yelling. Suddenly, another cry came echoing through the hall loud and clear.

"JJJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!"

Oh…that's what he was saying.

* * *

AN: Dun-dun-dun! Next chapter you'll find out just why McCoy was yelling and believe me…it is well work yelling. Thanks for reading. Please review; I'm sooo sorry about the lack of updates. I graduate tomorrow so my schedule will be a lot freer real soon I promise. I'll try and update soon. Thanks again so much and remember to review. Thankies


	8. Chapter 8

AN: YAY I wrote another one. This is probably making me happier than it is any of you lolz. So yeah, I wrote another chapter, I hope you all like it. Thanks as always to the nice reviewers and I hope you continue to do so in the future. Reviews are more important than food and water and are almost as tasty as chocolate.

**kalenel** – aww, it's nice to know you like my updates, I hope this one delivers. **DiscoUnicorn** – the magazine will come back and we will see some amusing things about how Spock feels and Sulu is not as dirty as it seems, just wait and see, **XtinaW** – Oh believe me McCoy will have no sanity left when I'm done with him. He's such a fun character to write, **Hover** – I'm happy you approve of the pink furry thong lolz, **Dragonwitch250** – Oh my poor McCoy. Not even Spock can stand up to his wrath and right now the wrath is aimed at Kirk's pretty-boy head, **Desperately Seeking Reason** – It's all cool. I think I forgot to add a lolz at the end of that. I'm pretty sure most ppl's know I'm a chick it's all god. I like the WOman tho. It makes me think of wombat for absolutely NO reason. **Port-of-Seas **– Oh Sulu, I think he should worry more about Uhura beating the tar out of him for eyeing her man er…alien, **Batya** – as a jew I must say three words, thanks so much! Glad to know you're liking it, **uki200** – Oh you'll find out, and IMO he has a REALLY good reason to be yelling, **Roze Haun** – LOTR is so a classic! Yes, someone who gets my logic! – Thank you so much! I hope you like this next chapter, **PadawanMom** – I swear Sulu will be redeemed, just trust me on this one I promise, Narnel – Wow they're in character, I'm so happy right now! You have no idea how joyous that made me; it's such a high compliment (hugs), **Ohtar Vicky** – Ah yes the Vulcan and his girlfriend are probably not too thrilled with Sulu at the moment lolz, and trust me Jim will be feeling the wrath, **dexgal** – If you liked the paste you're gonna love this chapter, nuf' said, **mykardia** – poor Sulu, look what I've done, Sulu is not a perv it will all play out I swear. God Sulu fans must want me dead after this haha, **XUrMomX** – Spock is … interesting when he's drunk, I'll leave it at that, don't worry he's getting drunk soon, I'm thinking 2 or 3 chapter more at the most before he rears his tipsy Vulcan head.

* * *

_Uhura felt her heart stop. Were those…footsteps? No…it was something else…a scream? It sounded vaguely like McCoy. Now if only she could make out what he was yelling. Suddenly, another cry came echoing through the hall loud and clear._

"_JJJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!"_

_Oh…that's what he was saying._

------------------

_10 minutes ago_

"Quick! Grab some paper towels!" McCoy barked.

"No no wait, I think I can fix this" Kirk said while trying to mop up paste with his sleeve.

"Yes, with PAPER TOWELS"

"You know, Bones you don't have to be so pushy all the time"

McCoy sighed in exasperation and looked around hastily for paper towels. His eyes settled on a new roll near the stove, only a few steps away. Without thinking McCoy started towards them.

"Bones"

"What now" McCoy yelled, his patience now being stretched thin.

"…you just stepped in paste"

McCoy looked down, and sure enough he had just stepped in paste. After controlling his desire to curse, he attempted to lift his foot and wipe the paste off. However the paste had other ideas. Try as he might, McCoy's foot stayed firmly planted to the floor.

"Oh…by the way" Kirk began, "It's really sticky"

"DAMN IT."

"Bones, you need to learn to relax, it's just cooking"

McCoy felt his face turn red in an attempt to hold in his anger; if he had been a cartoon steam would have been pouring out of his ears.

"Hey Bones."

McCoy felt like cursing as Kirk said that now hated string of words, "Yes Jim" He said, punctuating every syllable.

"Do you hear something?"

McCoy froze and listened… he heard nothing but decided it may be best to humor the Captain, "Hear what exactly Jim. I'm a doctor damn it not a hearing aid"

"I thought I heard fizzing…I guess not" Kirk said innocently. However, this innocent remark was enough to make McCoy's eyes open as wide as saucers.

"The soup!"

McCoy dove for the stove to remove a now boiling pot of matzo-ball soup from the heat, forgetting completely that his foot was stuck to the floor. His foot holding him back, McCoy came up short, hitting his forehead hard on the counter before collapsing onto the floor.

"Bones…"

"Bones?"

"McCoy?"

Worried by the doctors continued silence, and the fact that he still wasn't moving Kirk started poking him with a slotted spoon he had been playing with earlier.

"Bones…you ok?" He asked quietly.

"I'd be a lot more ok if you'd stop poking me," McCoy grumbled.

"oh…right" Kirk said while dropping the slotted spoon…into the paste.

McCoy sat up and gingerly rubbed his sore forehead, before feeling something strange on his fingertips.

"Am I bleeding?"He asked to no one in particular.

"Only a little" Kirk responded as he tried to pull the slotted spoon out of the paste, "This stuff is like superglue!"

"You're telling me" McCoy whispered thinking of his foot. As his brain began working again, he suddenly remembered what he had been attempting to do before he fell, "Soup!"

"I'm more of a salad person, but to each his own I guess."

"No the- nevermind!" McCoy yelled as he attempted to get up and move the pot of soup. Unfortunately for the doctor, that wouldn't be happening anytime soon as when he had fallen, it was in the paste, his legs and bottom now glued to the floor.

"SHIT!"

"Bones watch your language! It's a holiday!"

"Jim I can't believe I'm saying this but…I need your help."

"Sure."

"Sure?"

"Sure as in Sure I'll help"

"Wonderful," McCoy breathed sarcastically from his position pasted to the floor, "I need you to go to the stove, turn it OFF, hear that Jim off not on off, and move the pot. Can you do that?"

"Absolutely" Kirk said confidently as he stood and started toward the stove. Once he approached he simply stood staring at the bubbling pot.

"Is there a problem?"

"No."

Silence.

"Except…"

"Yes" McCoy felt his patience running thin again.

"What do I do with the pot?"

McCoy couldn't believe what he was hearing, had Kirk always been this moronic?

"I mean, when I move it where do I put it?"

Before McCoy was given a chance to yell a very loud BEEP was heard throughout the kitchen. Kirk looked around in mild surprise attempting to find the source of the new noise. As McCoy saw the glint of distraction in Kirk's eyes he knew this wouldn't end well.

"Jim. Focus. Remember the soup?"

"Do I smell pot-roast?"

"Jim…"

But it was too late; Kirk was already by the oven, pot holders ready. McCoy quietly cursed his paste restraint as Kirk opened the oven door. The second the door opened, a large cloud of smoke began pouring out of the small space and enveloped the kitchen almost instantaneously.

"Huh…cool."

McCoy wanted nothing more than to slap his dumbass of a Captain upside the head. Nothing, absolutely nothing could make this worse.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

"Hey Bones."

"What Jim?"

"Is that the fire alarm?"

"So it seems."

"Should I take out the pot-roast?"

McCoy sighed, "It would be a good idea."

"Where should I put it?"

"Anywhere."

"Anywhere? Don't you think that's a bit reckless?"

McCoy rubbed the bridge of his nose as he felt a colossal headache coming on, "Put it on the cooling rack."

"What's that again?"

"Just put it on the counter."

"You got it."

McCoy heaved yet another sigh as Kirk stepped over him to place the meat on the counter, all the while the fire alarm continuing. Just as McCoy felt things were finally calming down in the kitchen he heard a fizzing. His mind immediately went to the soup. As he looked up, he was greeted by sight of the Matzo-ball soup bubbling to the point of overflowing.

"Jim."

"Hold on a sec. I think I'm gonna taste-test this pot-roast."

"Jim." .

"Just a sec, Bones."

"The soup-"

"I'll get around to it."

"JJJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!"

"Ok ok, keep your temper Bones"

Kirk quickly arrived at the side of the stove and turned off the heat, "Bones, was that the last dish? Is the meal done?"

McCoy nodded, thanking God he had survived.

"I just saved Passover" Kirk said in triumph, smiling proudly as if absolutely nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Mazaltov" McCoy said sarcastically.

"Mashugana"

"What?"

"I thought we were saying Jewish words"

McCoy rolled his eyes and gave Kirk a look that clearly said "oy vey"

Just as the excitement seemed to be winding down in the kitchen, Spock and Uhura burst through the door.

"What's going on?" Uhura asked as she took in the paste covered, blood stained, smoke filled room, "And why is the fire alarm on?"

"Bones was cooking" Kirk responded simply.

"Fascinating" Spock said in awe as he observed the possibly ruined kitchen.

"Vhat has happened to the Festiwe Meal?!" Chekov yelled as he too burst through the door dragging Scotty and Sulu in tow, "Is that a fire alarm?"

"I didn't even know we had a fire alarm." Sulu added quietly to Scotty.

"Hold on Hold on," McCoy shouted from his position on the floor, "What is everyone doing here?"

"I heard a wery loud scream," Chekov answered.

"So did we," Uhura added.

"Well you can all relax now," Kirk said in pure joy, "I saved Passover. Everything is under control."

As if by magic, the beeping fire alarm stopped.

"See?" The Captain announced grinning, "Perfectly under control."

And then, the sprinklers went off.

"Under control?" McCoy asked in annoyance.

"Eh…can't win 'em all."

"Oy."

* * *

AN: What? No cliffhanger? OMG I'm being nice lolz. As of today I have am officially done with High School w00t!!! I hope you all enjoyed this wonderful mess of a chapter. I had a blast writing it and parts of it are actually true! Anyway I hope this was enjoyable and the drunkness is coming soon to a theater near you I swear. Thanks again for reading and as always please Review. Thank you and good night.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Hey world. Thanks so much everyone for reading and reviewing. I'm a little under the weather so I'm not gonna be all wordy this time. Just thanks again to everyone who reads, reviews, ties their shoes, and other such things.

**Selene the Slytherine** – Clearly this is the story Kirk's gonna tell his kids in place of how the Grinch stole Christmas, **CypressCullen** – Oh Spock is getting drunk really soon. Point to chapter, look foreshadowing ^_^ I love my literary devices, **DiscoUnicorn** – All of Kirk's ADHD is based off of my brother with short term memory loss, sigh, oh Kirk, **uki200** – Congratulations fellow HS graduate! A few weeks ago, wow that sounds great. Stupid tri-state area and their school's til June, **dragonwitch250** – Drunk-off-chocolate Spock is next chapter I swear, glad you're enjoying it so far tho, **Yami's Aibou** – Making people actually lol is harder than I thought but I'm glad I'm at least making some people laugh. At last my years of family Seder's are put to good use! **Batya** – McCoy should IMO take out a lawsuit on Kirk or something if it's all inedible. If Bones had been left alone I have no doubt it would have been a 5-star meal, **bogglewoolf** – w00t! I love new fans. Thanks so much for everything you said, you're review was so sweet. Writng this stuff is waaaaaay harder than I thought it would be when I started, lolz, **mykardia** – I prefer to think of it as Kirk's first cooking exploit and the entire experience fascinated him. He didn't intend to be the cause of all the problems he just kinda…was, **XUrMomX** – To be fair, I think Sulu's question is a valid question. I like when fire alarms go off tho, so now the enterprise has a fire alarm, **Ohtar Vicky** – the jewish words game is inspired by the new Nick at Nite commercials for the Nanny. Just throwing that out there lolz, **Narnel** – See now my next fic clearly has to be who killed Jim Kirk at Passover, **PadawanMom** – He would totally take the credit! This is Jim Kirk we're talking about here

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

* * *

_And then, the sprinklers went off. _

"_Under control?" McCoy asked in annoyance. _

"_Eh…can't win 'em all." _

"_Oy." _

-------------------------

After a few minutes of Chekov yelling in Russian and the sprinklers continued indoor rain the crew decided to abandon the kitchen. Kirk ordered maintenance to clean up the mess while the Seder group changed into dry uniforms and reconvened for, as Chekov called it a "family meeting" in the situation room.

"I don't think this is vorking wery vell" Chekov sighed as he looked directly at McCoy who now had a bandage wrapped snuggly around his injured head.

"Let's get a status report" Kirk said, taking control immediately, "Spock?"

"We have located the Haggadah's"

"Really?! This is fantastic nevs." Chekov said joyously as he clapped his hands in delight.

"Where were they?" Sulu asked.

Spock and Uhrua exchanged worried glances before responding simultaneously:

"Nurse Chapel's quarters"

"Lieutenant Scott's quarters"

Everyone turned to stare at the pair.

"That would have been a lot more convincing if you hadn't spoken at the same time" Kirk announced, "Anyway, moving on. Mr Sulu, Scotty how are you two doing on whatever you were doing?"

"Well you see, Captain the thing is…Well…we really have tried-" Scotty began, fading in and out of audibility.

"Yes" Kirk responded, urging him to continue.

"Well um…"

"We haven't started" Sulu responded.

"VHAT?!" Chekov yelled. "Vhy hawen't you started! The Seder plate is one of the most important and symbolic parts of the festiwal"

"This thing's a festival now. Sheesh" McCoy whispered to Uhura.

"I believe Chanukah is the festival of light. Perhaps this is to be a combined holiday?" Spock offered in response to the confusion.

"So do we need to order a Menorah?" Scotty asked.

"A Menorah's a candle holder, right?" Kirk questioned.

"Technically it is a nine-branched candelabra" Spock recited.

"Wait isn't Chanukah in December? I'm pretty sure this is just Passover…no 8 days of miracle yet" Uhura added as the voice of reason.

"We have to have another one of these in December?! For 8days?! Forget it!" Kirk shouted.

"Please eweryone" Chekov begged, "Please quiet! Ve must finish this Seder before sundown"

"Alright. To recap, this is just a Seder no candle's, the huggies have been found and no one's started the plate. Is that everything?" Kirk asked the group as they refocused their tiny attention spans.

Everyone nodded.

"Good. Now Scotty, why haven't you started the plate yet?" Kirk asked now directing his attention to the red-shirted officer.

"The instructions that tell us what goes where aren't in English" Scotty replied.

"What language are they in?" Kirk asked, now genuanly interested.

"Jewish obviously" Scotty responded matter-of-factly.

"Hebrev" Chekov corrected.

"Whatever, does anyone read Hebrew? Uhura, you're a linguist. You know this one?"

"Fluently" She responded.

"Great, you go with Mr. Sulu and Scotty and help them make this stupid plate. What's next?"

"The festiwe meal" Chekov prompted.

"Right. Me and Bones-"

"Bones and I" Spock corrected.

"-finished making the meal"

"And desert?" Chekov asked hopefully.

"Desert…" Kirk repeated quietly not realizing there _was_ any desert.

"Yes Desert" Chekov replied, "You did not make it?"

Kirk sighed, "Alright, me and Bones can make-"

"No"

"Bones-"

"NO Jim and that's final"

"But you need to make desert"

"No I don't, I can't, and I won't. I'm going back to the sickbay where fake birds don't explode, flour doesn't make paste-"

"You vere using flour?" Chekov asked horrified, his hands shooting up to cover his face in disgust.

"Why…is that wrong?" Kirk asked like a child who's just broken his mother's favorite antique vase.

"No. I didn't use any…it all wound up on the floor" McCoy said, sounding less and less confident with every word.

"Ah, ewerything is alright then. On Passover ve do not eat leawened bread"

"Oh…" Kirk responded, "But if we can't have leavened stuff like bread what the heck's desert made out of? We can't have tofu cake, I refuse"

"Most of the desert is chocolate based. Captain, Mr. Spock…vould you mind making desert?"

"Actually-"

"We'd be happy to, wouldn't we Spock?" Kirk said cutting off his first officer mid-sentence.

"As a matter of fact-"

"Then it is all settled. Ve each hawe our nev tasks?"

Chekov was greeted with a group of blank stares.

"Uhura, Sulu and Scotty are making a plate, Bones is going to the Sickbay, and Spock and me are making desert. Everyone good?"

Everyone nodded.

"Good. Let's get Sedering"

----------------------------------

When Kirk re-entered the kitchen it was far from perfect, but it was certainly better then when he had left it. The sprinklers had been shut off and towels had been laid over the paste so it was safe to walk again. "Come on Spock. The kitchen doesn't bite" Kirk said as he dragged the Vulcan in.

"That would be illogical"

Kirk sighed, somehow he had the distinct feeling this wouldn't be anywhere near as much fun as it had been with Bones.

"Well, might as well get started" Kirk stated while rolling up his sleeves, "Grab the chocolate"

Spock's eyes widened in, was that fear Kirk saw in his first officer?

"Chocolate?" Spock repeated quietly.

"Yeah. What you have a problem with chocolate?"

Yes

"No." Spock said in faux-confidence "Let us begin"

* * *

AN: What? Do I smell a drunk Vulcan next chapter. Lolz, thanks everyone for reading and as always please review. Each review makes me glow with joy. So again just thanks and I look forward to writing the most highly anticipated bit ever, Drunk!Spock YAY!


	10. Chapter 10

AN: soooooo sleepy. Hey all I'm back with a much anticipated chapter. Hope is satisfies. Just a note I'm moving tomorrow so I'll be MIA for a few days. Don't worry I have every intention of finishing this tho. Thanks to all the reviewers. I love you guys.

**Fireflower13** – If it's a drunk Vulcan you want it's a drunk Vulcan you get lolz. Hope this lives up to the hype, **Selene the Slytherine** – OMG I hadn't even thought of a striptease. That would rock on sooooooooo many levels. I smell a plot bunny ^_^, **.dolphins** – God I hope it's as funny as everyone's hoping. Hope you enjoy the drunk!Spock, **uki200** – ah yes the smell of a drunk Vulcan is rare indeed. Lolz, hope you enjoy, **BloomingSparrow** – wow that happens to you too? I thought I was the only chocolate lightweight around haha. As far as I'm concerned chocolate is waaaaaay better than alcohol, **DiscoUnicorn** – Kirk is quick possibly the most annoying person ever. Seriously I would probably slap him, my poor McCoy. The flour was just in the kitchen and Spock and Uhura just seem like the type to be unable to talk to a fellow crewmember about their porn stash lolz, **bogglewoolf** – Your words of praise are legit some of the sweetest ever. I plan to go rampant with the dunk and I think you'll be satisfied. Remember, this chapter is just the tip of the iceberg, **XtinaW** – Oh heck yeah it's a test of control. They should have 'surviving a kitchen with Kirk' instead of the Kobayashi Maru, **Renaly** – Luckily for all of us fanfic writers Spock is only half-Vulcan and therefore can totally lie in my book and in the old series episodes, **MiVarFan93** – More is officially here. Hope the wait wasn't too bad and hope you enjoy, **Batya** – I'm thinking you should run towards but only until you can see him well I wouldn't want to be too close in case he decides to do something evil, **MagicalMary** – Yay I'm a slice of brilliance! That totally makes me think of pie for no good reason. Aww man now I really want pie. **Dragonwitch250** – There's just something about Kirk be it his inability to listen to other or his ability to annoy everyone and anyone. He's just so fun to write, **Dexgal** – Believe me we will be seeing more of Bones and Chapel. I LOVE that pairing and I'd never thought about it before but really it's very natural don't you think? **Ohtar Vicky** – Let's get Sedering is an awesome phrase I plan to integrate into life, lolz. Hope you enjoy the chapter, **sadhappygirl** – Thank you so much. It's such a relief to be done with HS. Now if only I didn't have work then I'd just write fanfic all day haha. Anyway thanks so much for your kind words and I pray this lives up to expectations.

Disclaimer: Soooooo not mine it's not even funny. Roddenberry's.

_

* * *

_

_Spock's eyes widened in, was that fear Kirk saw in his first officer?_

"_Chocolate?" Spock repeated quietly. _

"_Yeah. What you have a problem with chocolate?" _

_Yes_

"_No." Spock said in faux-confidence "Let us begin" _

---------------------------

Spock stood by the counter while Kirk lifted two large crates lettered: FESTIVE DESERT and placed them on the counter. He skillfully cracked the lid and began pulling out packets and two instruction manuals. Once everything was laid out in plain sight, Kirk opened the first instruction manual. He scanned the words before turning to Spock with a huge grin on his face.

"Hey Spock" He began.

Spock, having never heard this tone in his captain's voice before, thought nothing of it and responded with a simple, "Yes?"

"We get to make chocolate covered matzo -"

Spock felt his heart sink.

"And chocolate lollipops-"

His heart sank deeper.

"And-"

Spock stopped listening. This was clearly going to be harder then he'd thought. It didn't help at all that chocolate just happened to be one of Spock's favorite foods as well.

"So we'll start on the chocolate matzo." Kirk's words brought Spock back to reality. "I'll get the hardening-drying station ready. You start melting the chocolate"

"I do not believe this is wise Captain" Spock said uneasily.

"Spock relax. I don't know how to cook either. If we get into any real trouble I can just get Bones back from the Infirmary"

Somehow this sentiment did not relax Spock. However, Kirk seemed caught up in his own world as he danced around the kitchen laying matzo out on the counter while dumping chocolate into the melting pot.

"All you have to do is stir that" Kirk said happily gesturing to the pot.

"Are you certain?" Spock asked while glaring at the pot of potential disaster.

"100%"

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Ok 65%...just get stirring"

Spock let out a quiet sigh before grabbing a wooden spoon and placing it in the pot of liquid chocolate. He pushed the spoon around with a single finger and kept his body facing the opposite direction as he attempted to avoid the all too tempting smell of cocoa.

Kirk let out a chuckle at Spock's apparent dissonance with his task. While Kirk would never ever say this out loud, Spock-watching (Akin to people-watching) was one of Kirk's favorite activities. It was almost as much fun as annoying McCoy. Kirk was far from oblivious and more times than not he knew full well how annoying he was being and took a sort of pride in it, not that it took much to annoy Spock but still, it was fun.

After a quick look around the kitchen Kirk turned to Spock with a look of pure confusion on his face. Spock silently cursed whatever evil had stuck him in this kitchen. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Kirk was about to say something Spock really didn't want to hear.

"So…do you know how to set up a hardening-drying station?" Kirk asked as he fiddled with some plastic bits he'd taken out of the FESTIVE DESERT crate.

"I would suggest reading the instructions" Spock replied smugly, or as smugly as he could manage so close to the chocolate.

Silence.

"Captain, have you destroyed the instructions?" He asked, attempting to keep his voice level.

Kirk innocently held up the ripped paper, "Would you believe it was an accident?"

Spock would have said something witty if he'd been able to think straight, but the rich creamy chocolate turning in pot was currently taking all of attention.

"Forget this" Kirk whispered to himself as he grabbed the plastic pieces and the ripped instructions, "What was I thinking, I can't do this"

"Captain?" Spock called as Kirk started for the door, "Where are you going?"

"To Bones. He'll put this together. Don't worry I'll be back, just keep stirring I guess"

"Captain…Captain?....Jim?" But it was no use. Kirk was gone and Spock was left alone with the pot of chocolate and very little self control.

-------------------------

Uhura was not enjoying herself. It's not that she didn't enjoy spending time with Scotty; she just didn't want to see Sulu. After being in his room, she was not too keen on looking him in the eyes and being civil. That magazine…had not made her happy.

So many questions were swirling around in her mind. Was Sulu gay? Did he have a thing for her Vulcan? Or did he just have a thing for Vulcan's period. Was she in the middle of a triangle? This was all starting to sound vaguely soap opera-ish.

"Lt. Uhura? Is something wrong?" Sulu asked politely.

Uhura couldn't help but scowl, "Everything's peachy" She said hostility in her voice.

"…ok. Just checking. You seem a little angry"

"psh, a little?!" Scotty said laughing to himself.

Uhura shot him a quick glare.

Scotty silenced himself immediately.

"Let's just get back to the Seder plate alright?" Sulu asked kindly.

"Fine" Uhura replied curly.

"Are you going to only use single syllable words? Cause I had a broad who-"

"Let's…try to stay on topic" Sulu said, attempting to keep the conversation on track.

Uhura rolled her eyes at him, "Who put you in charge?"

Sulu raised his hands in defense, palms outwards and the annoying grin on his features, "No one. Would you like to be in charge?"

Uhura was growing tired of this so she took a deep breath, counted to 10 and attempted to be a bit less…counterproductive.

"Alright let's get to work. Do you guys have everything that's suppose to be on the plate?"

"I think so." Scotty said as he reached a crate a pulled out 6 packets.

Uhura let out a deep sigh, "Then let's get started…I guess"

--------------------

It took Kirk a lot longer then he'd anticipated to return to the kitchen. First McCoy hadn't wanted to help, so he'd had to beg. Actually beg. On his hand and knees beg. It had been humiliating. And then he'd run into Christine Chapel. She'd broken up with her boyfriend and Kirk had seized the opportunity to ask her to the Seder. Unfortunately she already had a date. It bothered Kirk even more when she wouldn't say who. Ultimately it had been a very frustrating trip. So of course the absolute last thing he wanted when he entered the kitchen was to see a very large mess. However, that's what Kirk got. A mess, a very large and very chocolaty mess.

"Spock?" Kirk called as he scanned the room. "Spock?"

His first officer was nowhere in sight.

"Elf-person?" He called again.

He was greeted with the sound of giggling, no SPOCK giggling. The sound sent waves of terror up Kirk's spine. He hadn't even known Spock knew _how_ to giggle. Fearing something terrible had happened, Kirk started off at a run in search of his now-giggling friend.

As he rounded a corner his eyes were captured by the sight before him.

"Spock?"

Spock was sitting Indian style on the floor, a large packet of half-melted chocolate besides him and a small circle of chocolate balls surrounded him. His face was half covered in a chocolate coating and his finger tips had been stained an appetizing Hershey brown.

"Hello Cap'n Kirk-Crunch!" Spock said happily swaying to some inaudible music, "Look wha' I made fer yer new passedover cereal! Chocolate matzo balls! But I call them Chocolatzo Balls! It's a very logical thing to combine both words for speaking simplicity"

Kirk felt his jaw drop in terror.

"What the hell?!"

* * *

AN: While this may not be typical drunk person behavior this did happen to a friend of mine…she was really out of it. Anyway hope you all enjoyed. There will be more. As always please review. It makes me very happy. Also, just IMO when Vulcan's get drunk all that emotion they're always suppressing comes right to surface so we'll see a LOT of heightened emotion from Spock. Gosh I hope this wasn't a letdown for anyone. Review and restore my confidence please.


	11. Chapter 11

AN: sorry sorry sorry sorry. I suck. I haven't updated in a week. I swear there's a good reason but I'm pretty sure none of you want to hear about it so please just take my word for it and accept my apology. Hope this chapter is good enough to make up for the wait. Thanks to the reviewers and just sorry.

**Uki200** – omg is it just me or do most drunk people turn into 2 year olds?! Well that's been my experience anyway. I'm normally the person who takes care of the drunks so I happen to find them hilarious, **dragonwitch250** – hmmm, a flashback. I've been considering it but I'm not really sure. Well if it happens you can totally take credit ^_^, **Selene the Slytherine** – so do i! However I don't know if it'll happen in this story, **MiVarFan93** – More coming lolz. Thanks for the please, tis very polite and Vulcan-like, **DiscoUnicorn** – for some reason I feel like oldschool Uhura would be all fun and stuff but new Uhura would just be defensive and pissed, don't know why just do (shrugs), **Batya** – oh you have no idea. By the end of this Seder everyone will have totally lost their sanity, **PadawanMom** – About Sulu and his Vulcan thing, honestly it's pretty in character, I think you'll enjoy it. It shall be revealed in the Seder guaranteed, **VulcanNinjaGirl** – awww I'm so happy you like it! I love getting new readers! **sadhappygirl** – oh believe me we shall be seeing what Spock thinks of people really soon. And there will be chaos, **Narnel** – yeah drunk!Spock is totally unpredictable. Even I don't know what he's going to do next until the second I write, he keeps me guessing, **BloomingSparrow** – Spock giggling is legit something that should be in a horror movie imo. It just freaks me out when I think about it, **Fireflower13** – I'd like to just remind everyone that drinking impairs you judgment and with all the secrets Spock's found out today that can't end well, **.dolphins** – woot, I'm so happy everyone seems to be liking my version of a drunk Vulcan, **Ohtar Vicky** – you're words are always so encouraging. Thanks. I like speaking simplicity too, just throwing that out there, **Port-of-Seas** – poor Spock. Everything seems to come back and bite him in the ** ya know? Oh my poor poor Vulcan, **Helen Bache **– Yay! I love when people love humor! It feels so under appreciated. Hope you enjoy the update! **kimmerrz** – gah oh no! Soup! I love soup! What type was it? I'm glad I make you happy, hope I can do that again, **XUrMomX** – so would I. Chocolate would become intoxicant of choice!

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

_

* * *

_

_Kirk felt his jaw drop in terror. _

"_What the hell?!" _

---------------------

Kirk could hardly believe his eyes. He must have been dreaming. Or high. Or both. This was simply impossible. How could Spock go from calm cool and fun-hating to being Captain Chocolatzo? Wasn't it anti-Vulcan to make jokes? Kirk felt his head spinning and his thoughts being pulled in a hundred different directions at once. This was too strange for words. However, that didn't stop Kirk from yelling some out anyway.

"Spock! What are you doing?!" He shouted.

Spock in turn dropped his chocolazo ball with an expression of pure shock as if Kirk was the ghost of Passovers passed. Almost immediately, he changed again. His eyes glazed over and tears began forming as his lip started to quiver.

"You don't like my cereal" The Vulcan whispered as tears began rolling down his cheeks.

"Uh…no, no I… love it…" Kirk said in an attempt to keep Spock from sobbing hysterically. "Look see, yummy. Mmmmmm, good. Tasty."

"Y-y-you have not e-eaten any" Spock wailed as great tears streamed down his cheeks.

"Ok…I'll try some?" Kirk asked warily, his head still spinning in confusion.

Spock brightened instantaneously, breaking into a frightening smile, "Really? Really really? Captitain, you're more than good. You're GREAT! Here try!"

Spock then quickly gathered up a handful of chocolatzo balls and proceeded to stumble around and attempt to shove a few in Kirk's face.

"Woah! Too close!"

Spock ignored him, dropped the chocolatzo balls and grabbed Kirk into an all-too-tight hug.

"What is going on with you today?!" Kirk shouted as he attempted to pry the Vulcan off of him.

"I hads Chocolatzates" Spock replied, still attached to his Captain.

"What are you sick or something?"

"Nope *hic* not sick at all. Healthy as a Matzo ball. Look I rhymed. Rhyming is a most logical way to remember things. I shall now remember All and Ball"

"Ok…Let's go see Dr. McCoy now…maybe he can tell me what the hell is wrong with you"

"Okey dokey artichokey…Ah that is also a rhyme" Spock said giggling.

"Goodey" Kirk sighed as he dragged Spock out the door and down the hall to the medical bay.

----------------

"Shank bone goes here" Uhura said as she pointed to one of the circles on the Seder plate.

Sulu carefully opened his Shank bone packet, placed it on the circle and took a step back to admire their work. While it hadn't been a hard job, it was still nice to complete something as far as Sulu was concerned. It appeared his Seder-mates did not agree. Uhura still seemed very unhappy to be there and Scotty had been off in Scotty –land. His biggest contribution was occasionally pulling Uhura's long ponytail and getting slapped seconds later for it.

"Well, looks like we're done" Sulu added pleasantly.

"Thank god" Uhura whispered to herself.

"Should we check in with Chekov? See if he has another job for us?" Sulu asked.

Scotty simply shrugged his shoulders before going back to fiddling with the snow-white table cloth.

"Lt. Uhura?"

"Do whatever you want helmsman" Uhura said distain not far from her words.

Sulu sighed, why oh why did he have to be stuck with the least helpful person on the crew and the one person who hated him for (in his opinion) no reason.

"Does anyone else want to make the call?" He asked hopefully, attempting to keep the atmosphere light and friendly.

"No" The others responded in unison.

Sulu heaved another sigh before grabbing his communicator from his belt and flipping it open, "This is Sulu to Chekov. Do you copy?"

"Yes I hear you wery vell Mr. Sulu. Is there a problem vith the Seder plate?" The Russian asked concern clouding his voice.

"No everything's good here" Sulu responded, "We've just finished. Is there anything else we should be doing?"

"You finished! Excellent! I am wery pleased" Chekov chirped, "You are right on schedule. I vill go and gather eweryone else and ve vill start the Seder as soon as possible"

With that the line went dead, and the three crew members were left alone in uncomfortable silence once again.

"So, did everyone hear that?" Sulu asked.

Uhura and Scotty nodded and an awkward silence settled over the group.

"Well…at least we'll start the Seder sometime soon" Sulu said after what felt like an eternity.

Uhura rolled her eyes, hatred rolling off her in waves "Wonderful"

-------------------

The second Kirk burst through the doorway, Spock clinging to his pants leg being dragged along the floor McCoy knew this wasn't going to be good.

"Jim…" He asked, "Did you break the hobgoblin?"

"No" Kirk responded quickly "I don't think so..."

"Don't think so?! Well good god man, why's he on the floor?"

"I'm not really sure about that either"

"Well what are you sure of!" McCoy shouted.

"Spock's gone bipolar is what I'm sure of" Kirk yelled back, "Take a look at him or detain him I don't care just get him off my leg"

McCoy hesitantly bent down and began prying the Vulcan from Kirk's leg just as the science officer released his grip. The two went flying backwards and landed on the floor, McCoy crushed by Spock.

Spock giggled enthusiastically "That was fun! It would be very logically to do it again because fun give you endorphins and make you happy and happy endorphins don't kill their captains…I believe. I heard that on an old movie…it was very logical"

"How long's he been like this" McCoy asked shoving Spock off of him.

Kirk shrugged, "Dunno. He was playing in chocolate-"

"Chocolatzo"

"when I found him"

"Chocolate?" McCoy repeated, realization lighting in his eyes.

"Yeah. 's there something wrong with that?" Kirk asked, still utterly baffled.

"Jim, how much do you know about Vulcan physiology"

"You're kidding right?" Kirk responded dumbly.

"Jim…Spock is drunk"

And for the second time in one hour Kirk felt his jaw drop, "He's what?!"

Spock, who was now playing contently with a chocolatzo ball he'd kept in his phaser holster, giggled his frightening giggle, "uh-oh spaghettio's. Is it time for Seder yet?"

* * *

AN: Well that's another one. I hope you all enjoyed it. Soooooo sorry about the long wait. I hope this was good enough for it. Thanks to all you reviewers, you sure know how to make a gal feel wanted. So anyway review for more, review for my sanity…just review. And thanks for reading.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: And I'm back! Yay! I come bringing another chapter. I hope it lives up to the rest of this holiday tale I tell. Thanks to all the lovely reviewers, I honestly can't even begin to express how much I love feedback. So keep it coming you guys, thanks! Hope eveyone's enjoying summer, yay sun!

**Port-of-Seas** – Spock is just a quoting machine! Lolz, I figure he studied old earth culture so in my mind he can paraphrase legally blonde all he wants, **XtinaW** – If I had any artistic ability…or a laptop that wasn't dying I would totally make that icon. Happy you thought it worthy of being called awesome, **DiscoUnicorn** – Personally I'm a huge fan of TOS Uhura also. I just find her so fun and an amazing rolemodel…however I like the new Uhura also! She's way fun to write and I just feel like I have a good handle on her, but please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm happy to learn and grow with my writing, **Hover** – Do I watch Psych?! I love it! Shawn is super funny and just pineapple's rock. Lassie is my love! It's nice to see a fellow Psych fan. Excited for the new season? I am! **sadhappygirl** – I would love you're chocolate! And I'm sure Spock hasn't eaten them all...they still need some for the Seder desert. **uki200** – w00t! Happy to make you laugh and I'm happy you're finding Kirk's reactions so perfect. He's kinda a challenge to write IMO, **kimmerrz** – thanks for the review and it's good to know that line wasn't too over the top. I was really worried about it for a while, **Tenebrielle** – In my very humble opinion, all Seders are like this one way or another. Hell every Seder I've ever been to is like this…It's the beauty of Seders, although the tequila intrigues me ^_^ **Helen Bache** – OMG I've been called a genius I can die happy. Haha, thanks so much. I gotta say I did not expect people to find this so funny I'm so pleasantly surprised, **BloomingSparrow** – spaghettio's are awesome. They are legit my food of choice, well that and kid cuisine. God I'm like 2 at heart…well I guess it's not a bad thing. It comes in handy when writing drunk!Spock, **Narnel** – If I ever did anything that wound up in a movie (especially a trek movie) I would die of joy but good to know the imagery worked well. Thankies, **Fireflower13** – As soon as the thing with Sulu is revealed she'll have no reason to be so pissed I promise. She mellow's real soon, you just have to wait it out. To be fair if a friend of mine was potentially into my boyfriend I wouldn't be very chill… **dexgal** – I think the thing I'm most proud of in this story has yet to be posted. It's the resolution of Sulu's **. And believe me that is one hell of a convo, **.dolphins** – On Passover it is tradition for the youngest child to ask at the Seder the "4 questions of Passover". They are traditionally sung in Hebrew. Each questions starts "Mah Nishtanah" which basically and overly simplified means Why or Why is this night different or Why on this night. I thought it was a fitting title. If anyone else wants Jewish for Dummies by Husk just ask lolz, I'm happy to share in my bizarre culture, **Ohtar Vicky** – Wow top 5. I am beyond happy. If I could I would jump through the computer and hug you I would. Thanks so much. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

* * *

"_Jim…Spock is drunk" _

_And for the second time in one hour Kirk felt his jaw drop, "He's what?!" _

_Spock, who was now playing contently with a chocolatzo ball he'd kept in his phaser holster, giggled his frightening giggle, "uh-oh spaghettio's. Is it time for Seder yet?" _

---------------------

Kirk turned to McCoy, jaw hanging wide open, and intelligently replied, "huh?!"

McCoy however had stopped listening and had gone into "doctor mode". He was busy assessing Spock, taking his vitals and recording things in his medical log. Kirk, at a loss for words, simply stood and watched and tried to figure out how Spock had gotten drunk…or if he really was drunk. Maybe he had some strange Vulcan pneumonia.

"Mr. Dr. Bones, I assure you the sun is moving under the kitty's belly and therefore I am complete fine!" The Vulcan laughed as McCoy attempted to take his temperature, "No drinkity here!"

Ok…Kirk thought, maybe he was drunk.

"How is he?" The captain asked after a few minutes.

"Worse than I thought" McCoy said sighing.

"Bones…Is he really…drunk?"

"Very much so Jim. That's the problem"

"How did he even get drunk anyway? There wasn't any tequila in the Kitchen last time I checked" Kirk said, racking his brain for any contrabands he'd stashed and possibly forget about. He remembered placing bottles in his quarters, in the conference room, and in the library, but never the Kitchen.

"Despite their resemblance to us, Vulcan's have a vastly different physiology so…" McCoy began.

"So what? I don't see where you're going with this Bones"

"Vulcan's aren't really affected by alcohol Jim. They're incapacitated by…chocolate"

"Chocolate, for real? The great and mighty Vulcan race defeated by Nestlé's?"

"Something likes that"

"Wow…the chocolate lipstick he's wearing is starting to make a lot of sense" Kirk said as he gestured to the chocolate splotches surrounding Spock's lips.

"Did you see how much he had?"

Kirk shook his head.

"Damnin" McCoy breathed.

"What difference does that make?"

"Jim. What happens when you drink?"

"Me specifically?" Kirk asked waggling his eyebrows.

McCoy rolled his eyes, "Yes, Jim. You specifically"

Kirk, not catching any sarcasm in McCoy's tone began to answer, "Well I-"

But unfortunately for Kirk a loud crash interrupted him.

"Uh-oh…" Spock said. "I have a problem"

Kirk and McCoy ran towards him to find the intoxicated half-alien had knocked over a card of prepared vaccinations.

"Wonderful" McCoy sighed to himself.

"Really? I thought you'd be mad" Kirk replied in honest confusion.

"Nopes nopes. This is how you make Mr. Dr. Boney mad" Spock answered while placing a hand on the doctor's face. "Mind melting time!"

"Don't you mean mind _meld_ time?" Kirk asked before the words registered, "Oh…never mind"

--------------------

Uhura was bored, pissed off, and exceptionally unhappy. She had no desire to be sitting at the long Seder table and even less desire to be there with her new arch-enemy Hikaru Sulu.

"So, is there any chance you'll tell me what I've done wrong?" Sulu asked.

Uhura gave no response. She simply flipped her long ponytail, sighed loudly, and pretended she didn't hear him.

"Just curious. Was it something I did, or is this a preexisting mood deficiency?"

Uhura glared at him, her silence continuing.

"Alright, I understand. You don't want to talk about it. But if it was something I did, I'm very sorry"

Uhura let out a disgruntled "humph" and turned away from him.

"Man…how long does it take Scotty to go the bathroom anyway" Sulu laughed nervously.

Uhura rolled her eyes and for the umpteenth time in the past 15 minutes.

"So…how about this matzo huh? I mean what is up with that?" Sulu tried again in vain to tempt Uhura into talking, "Come on. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? No? Tough crowd"

---------------------

McCoy had never mind melded with Spock before…not that he'd done it with anyone else either, but still. It was odd thinking that what he was experiencing was really 1st officer Spock's memories and/or thoughts. On one hand, McCoy was fascinated by this phenomenal firsthand experience of the one-of-a-kind Vulcan mind meld, and on the other hand McCoy realized this was nothing but perfect drunken blackmail potential.

Suddenly McCoy was plunged a swirling vortex of memories and emotions. He felt himself being dragged under until he found himself falling. He abruptly landed on his feet in the all too familiar kitchen he'd only recently refused to return to.

"Amazing" The doctor whispered to himself.

The environment was so lifelike…so real…so unbelievable. McCoy carefully walked around the kitchen examining appliances when his gaze was caught by a figure by the stove stirring something in a pot.

It was just then that McCoy understood what was going on. Spock had not only mind melded with him, but he was showing McCoy just how he'd come into his little predicament.

McCoy felt a smile he was relatively sure he shouldn't be feeling falling across his lips.

"Wow" He said, "This is better than intergalactic cable!"

* * *

AN: Yes short I know, but coming up next week: how Spock got drunk! It's something to look forward to. Hope this satisfied everyone and that you continue reading. Remember reviewers are like oxygen. Can't live without them. So to sum up, next chapter is a flashback on how Spock gots drunk, I like reviewers and shamelessly pimp my fic. Again, hope it was enjoyable thanks for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: Well….better late than never right? Sorry guys, I suck. I know. My job is all crazy and I never have any time to write. Grrrrrr. Anyway, I'd like to thank my wonderful reviewers again. You guys are truly great people and your encouraging words are legit what keeps me writing this even when it's late and I have work to be doing. Thanks all of you.

**kalenel** – glad you liked that line, so did I. It was inspired by my rapidly melting ice cream, lolz. I will attempt to keep up the one-liners, **Port-of-Seas **– Not well. Uhura is not a woman I find to be chill. This incident will be no exception. There will be no chilledness. There will be chaos…and laughs, but mostly chaos, **Selene the Slytherine** – OMG Heroes reference. Lolz, if I can find a place for it I will try to throw in a Sylar reference or two although I'm a Petrelli girl. Nathan is sooooo hot IMO,** Live4YourXDreams** – I don't know anything about any closets, but I do know Kirk is the worst chef ever. I plan to give him an award for it…no really! **DiscoUnicorn** – You need to stop inflating my head, you say the worlds nicest things. Seriously keep this up and I won't fit in my door at home because my ego will have gotten so big. Lolz, thank you so much. I am beyond honored to be considered funny, **Dragonwitch250** – Hope this is good and satisfying. I'm praying I'll live up to expectations. Not an easy task after 12 chapters. Anyway hope you enjoy this, **sadhappygirl** – meh, I've always had problems writing long chapters. This just doesn't feel like a long chapter story for me…plus I don't have time for long chapters sorry. This will just have to do, hope its good enough anyway ^_^ **mykardia** – It has been my experience that when people get drunk they cry. Maybe it's just my friends…but that seems to happen a lot so I made it happen to Spock too lol, **PadawanMom** – Have I ever mentioned how cool your username is? Well it rocks! Anyway, I must say I feel your pain for Sulu. Poor guy. Uhura can be tough, **dexgal** – Well my dear friend dexgal, now you too will know what McCoy saw when he mind melted lolz. Hope you enjoy, **bookdragon01** – awww , shiva calls are so sad. Take my advice, when life is giving you crud, write something happy. Make someone smile, you'll feel better. I promise. On a separate note, you're mini story was really funny! Passover has this tendency to bring out the hilarious side of people lolz. Every year when my dad reads "Next year in the land of Israel" he says under his breath "Who the hell wrote this? I don't want to move" I find it hilarious, hope you feel better, and glad to maybe make you smile, **.dolphins** – OMG Ferris Beuler is amazing! I was watching it while writing and I thought hell why not throw in my FAVORITE reference. Glad the info was helpful and I'm happy to provide more if you ever have any Jew/Russian questions, **Narnel** – Well maybe not a speedy update but I'm trying. Hope you weren't waiting too long. Sulu will find out soon enough and clear things up in his usual Sulu way…just wait and see, **Ohtar Vicky** – Yay glad that you're enjoying it! And thank you for reviewing, hope you enjoy this chapter!

Disclaimer: Really not mine, Roddenberry's.

* * *

_It was just then that McCoy understood what was going on. Spock had not only mind melded with him, but he was showing McCoy just how he'd come into his little predicament. _

_McCoy felt a smile he was relatively sure he shouldn't be feeling falling across his lips._

"_Wow" He said, "This is better than intergalactic cable!" _

----------------

There before McCoy's eyes was Spock. He was in front of the stove pushing around a wooden spoon with a single finger, his face as far away from the stove as possible. It didn't take McCoy long to realize what the Vulcan must have been stirring. Chocolate. McCoy snuck up carefully and tipped his gaze down into the pot the Vulcan was avoiding. His suspicions had been confirmed, Spock was stirring perfectly melted rich creamy Passover chocolate.

Suddenly, without any warning, Spock dropped the spoon and leapt away from the pot, a hand clasped firmly over his mouth and nose. McCoy couldn't tare his eyes away. After taking a few deep breathes, Spock dropped his hand and looked around the room.

"Probably looking for Jim" McCoy said to himself.

Spock sighed loudly, pulling McCoy's thoughts back to the half-Alien. It seemed Spock had regained his composure and was now inching towards the pot again.

"According to my knowledge of melting chocolate this is ready to be removed from the stove" Spock said to no one in particular. "It appears I will have to do this"

Spock then removed the pot from the burner and onto a wooden cooling slate. As soon as the task was done he recoiled again.

McCoy had to fight to keep from laughing. The entire thing was rather comical really. The great and widely renowned Commander Spock jumping around like a little girl avoiding cooties was simply to entertaining for words.

Spock meanwhile, was engaged in an internal debate.

"Wish I knew what he was thinking" McCoy whispered to himself.

"Okey dokey!" A voice echoed through the memory. McCoy looked around but saw nothing. Then, as if by magic McCoy was able to hear Spock's every thought.

'If I continue to stand here I have a greater chance of doing something I will regret. However, it is illogical for me to continue working with suck a dangerous substance. Then again, if I am unable to continue without the Captain I will have hindered my usefulness and that would be disgraceful of a Vulcan. This is a most difficult matter'

Spock let out as sigh before turning to look at the pot and its horrid contents. Clearly weighing his options, McCoy watched as Spock decided to continue working with the melted chocolate. The science officer opened the instructions, read them, and then began taking out Matzo from the Festive Matzo packet.

McCoy watched intently as Spock began ferrying Matzo to the pot of chocolate; however before he had even dunked a single piece his eyes became enchanted with the rich brown chocolate swirling hypnotically in the pot.

"I suppose it would not be harmful to…try…some of this…chocolate. It would be illogical not to test it in case of contamination"

Spock then grabbed the wooden spoon and brought it up to his lips. His tongue darted out as he gave the spoon a quick lick. Instantly he broke out into a wide smile. Soon he was drinking chocolate right out of the pot.

"Good god" McCoy whispered to himself as the Vulcan continued to indulge himself.

"Wow *hic* that was very very *hic* tasty" Spock said swaying back and forth rhythmically, "Maybe I'll have just a *hic* lil more…it's logical that more is better"

With that the Vulcan began slurping chocolate again as the picture before McCoy's eyes began to fade.

----------------

"Bones"

McCoy could feel someone shaking his shoulder.

"Bones!"

Was that Jim calling him?

"BONES!"

Yes definitely Jim.

"WHAT'S UP DOC!" Spock shouted, latching onto Kirk's alarmed tone.

"I'm up I'm up" McCoy replied gruffly as he attempted to rise himself from his position on the floor…not quite certain how he'd gotten there.

"What the hell just happened?! One second you and Spock were melded and the next you're on the floor and he's crying" Kirk said gesturing to a sobbing Spock curled up in the fetal position.

"Jim, I saw it"

"Saw what?"

"How it happened!"

"What happened?"

"Spock"

"Well Bones I'm sure you've heard about how babies are born…So Spock happened when his parents-"

Bones quickly reached out and knocked Kirk upside the head.

"No you maniac! I know what happened _**to**_ the hobgoblin"

"You mean how he got drunk…and emotional"

"Yes"

"Well…care to share Bones"

"The how isn't important. What is important is how much"

"How much?"

"How much chocolate he ate. The entire pot-full"

"Is that bad?"

"Well…yes and no"

"Come again?"

"The good news is that by tomorrow morning Mr. Spock will be just fine, if not a little hung over, the bad news is that he'll be fine tomorrow..."

"How is that bad?"

"He won't be sober in time for the Seder which means it's your responsibility as the Captain to watch over him and make sure he doesn't blow his own head off with those chocolatza-phasers"

Kirk felt his eyes bulge as the words registered within his thoughts, "I have to what?! Oh no I did not sign up for this. You're the doctor, you watch him!"

"Jim you know I would…but I have to pick up my date"

"Your date?!"

"For the Seder"

"We need dates now?!"

"Is Captain Hooker-Kirk my date?" Spock said from his place on the floor, tears still running down his checks.

"NO!" Kirk yelled instantaneously.

Suddenly the pair was interrupted by the loudspeaker.

"Hello eweryone. This is Ensign Chekov. The Passower Seder vill begin in 15 minutes. All crev members planning to attend should meet in the mess hall in 15 minutes. Thank you all for your cooperation"

"Crap. We havn't finished desert yet" Kirk whispered to himself.

"hehe…Crap" Spock repeated, brightening.

"Well you two have a good time, I'll see you at the shindig" McCoy said, somehow already at the door.

"Wait Bones-"

"Bye"

With that the doctor left the Sickbay, dooming Kirk to the task of watching Spock and serving something very questionable for desert.

"Come on Spock. Let's go see what we can get for desert without being late"

Spock tilted his head, his large eyes staring up into Kirks, "Chocolate?" He replied innocently.

"Fuck NO!"

* * *

AN: Hope no one minded the cursing, enjoyed the dialogue and maybe laughed a little. This is really getting harder and harder to write. Thanks again for everyone's support and kind words. I'll try to be a bit more regular with updates. Again hope you enjoyed. Please review…It does my heart good…and the more reviews the more motivated I am to turn out faster update. Plus I answer questions like a magic 8 ball. That's fun. Anyways, please review, thank you and goodnight East Hampton!


	14. Chapter 14

AN: Hey all! I know. I'm a bad person. I'm so sorry about the lack of updates. Work had been crazy but thankfully it's over so I'll have more time again. YAY! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and not killing me. I hope this chapter is any kinda descent. Just thanks so much for sticking with me. You readers are beyond awesome!

**Selene the Slytherine** – since trek I will admit I like Sylar more. ZQ is a great actor and I concur he is waaay hot ^_^ **uki200** – they totally do! Legit I have a book worth of drunken quotes my friends have said. Maybe it's just me but I find everything about drunken ppl's really funny, **Dragonwitch250** – as far as Spock's drunk in concerned McCoy will actually explain some things about Vulcan Drunk next chapter to help make this make sense a little. But in this chapter I think Spock does do some entertaining things lolz, **iluvcsi4ever** – glad this made you laugh so much! Sorry about the long wait, hope this chapter makes you smile tho ( maybe my update's earlier enough that your mom's not asleep this time lolz), **sadhappygirl** – YAY you got my reference! I'm so happy. Thanks for helping to make my day! I really hope this chapter lives up to the others. Thanks for the bit about work…my bosses were a bit nutzo but thankfully that's all over. Enjoy the chapter, **Helen Bache** – it is not just you. Chocolate has this way of making me loopy and giggly and all. Its way better than alcohol and has virtually the same effect (for me you and Spock anyway haha) **.dolphins** – good to know it's still funny and not just a jumbled mess. Thanks for being so patient, and enjoy the chapter, **DiscoUnicorn** – To be fair to Bones and Christine something happened off camera that makes sense that will be revealed and redeem both of them…I swear, god this is starting to feel like a soap opera lolz, **Narnel** – Thanks for being so understanding. I honestly didn't think this story would be so long, or well received, or that I'd still be writing 14 chapters later lolz. Your kind words really helped me write this thanks, please enjoy, **Fireflower13** – Ah yes Spock will see Uhura and vice versa I just hope it lives up to your expectation. Don't worry tho, Kirk isn't totally reckless. If he ran off to get a date he'd drag Spock with him! **Falling Backwards** – Huh…I've never even thought about Amanda being Jewish. Wow that opens up a whole lot of potential trauma for Spock lolz. Great idea! **SpockUhuraLove** – awww, love your username! I'm honored that you find this so funny. It's always the goal to make people laugh! The Seder itself will be IMO very entertaining ^_^ **MiVarFan93** – lolz…updated now! Sorry about the wait though, Hope you like! **PadawanMom** – hehe yeah kinda figures you like it. I'm a little slow sometimes lolz. Bones really is way funnier than ppl give him credit for, **Writer-Girl91** – The really nice review, the polite asking of more, congratulations writer-girl I present…the next chapter lolz! I hope you like it oh and thanks about the dialogue, it's surprisingly hard to write, **SparkleMuffin** – It's always a treat to be told you're in character in a humor story, thanks so very much. That is a huge compliment! Enjoy the next installment, **Ohtar Vicky** – Thanks once again for your amazingly kind words. Do I even need to go over how much I love hearing from you, just thank you so much. You make a young and crazy writer happy ^_^

Disclaimer: Not mine, Roddenberry's.

* * *

"_Come on Spock. Let's go see what we can get for desert without being late" _

_Spock tilted his head, his large eyes staring up into Kirks, "Chocolate?" He replied innocently. _

"_Fuck NO!" _

--------------------

Kirk limped into the kitchen dragging Spock along as the later clung desperately to the formers leg, tears streaming down his face. When they left the Sickbay the Vulcan had been walking along fine until he saw a phaser clipped to someone's belt. Spock had turned into a two year old and began begging for it, pounding on the floor, and generally causing a scene. Kirk, now feeling something like an embarrassed mother started off towards the kitchen with his hands hiding his face. Spock then latched onto Kirk's leg and was simply dragged along for the ride.

When the pair reached the kitchen Kirk began scouting for anything that looked festive, desert-ish, and remotely edible. Unfortunately he was coming up empty. As he scanned the kitchen the only thing he found were large splotches of melted chocolate decorating the countertop near the stove and chocolatzo balls strewn across the floor.

"Damn" Kirk whispered to himself as he surveyed the room again, "What am I gonna do?"

"GET ME A SHINY" Spock yelled in response from his position on the floor, tears still running pitifully down his face.

"Yeah yeah you want a phaser"

"I'm an important officer, it's just plain logical that I have a shiny"

"Phaser"

"_Shiny_ phaser"

Kirk let out a frustrated sigh before decided to ignore his drunk and overly emotional crewmate. Seeing nothing else and knowing that time was not on his side, Kirk grabbed a plate and began scurrying around the floor loading chocolatzo balls onto the plate.

"That's unsanitary" Spock said, now standing at full height and surprisingly acting his age.

"Uh…" Kirk was at loss for words, "Ok…I won't tell if you won't"

"That is a very logical agreement" Spock answered, nodding his head in approval.

"Right…So, you're normal again?"

"I suppose" Spock said.

"Ok…that's makes my life simpler. Let's get these Chocolatzo things to the Seder and let's get passovering" Kirk replied as he began towards the door. However he soon realized Spock was not following him. He turned around to see Spock looking abnormally relaxed, "Spock…Are you ok?"

"Captain?"

"Yes"

"I Love you man"

"…well that can't be good"

--------------

Uhura drummed her nails on the table. She was beyond impatient and really had no desire to sit still and keep waiting. Wasn't this Seder supposed to have started already?

"Hi everyone!" A high female voice called out pulling Uhura back to reality.

"Hi!" Sulu yelled enthusiastically, "So nice to have you here, so very nice" He continued as he darted across the room to the doorway.

"Nice to see you too" The voice, Christine Chapel's voice, replied. "It was so nice of Leonard to invite me and I'm very proud to take part in this sacred ceremony"

"Sweetheart, save it for the Ensign" McCoy responded, an arm draped across his dates shoulders.

Uhura watched the exchange from her seat and was finding it increasingly difficult not to comment on the doctor's choice of date. Wasn't he aware that she had a boyfriend?! Didn't that mean anything to anyone anymore!

Uhura was just about to grab away Christine and ask her what the hell her problem was when Chekov burst through the door, his arms full with haggadah's.

"Sorry sorry! I'm wery late. Yes, sorry sorry" He gushed as he scurried past McCoy, Christine, and Sulu and dropped his load on the table. After catching his breath he looked around the room.

"Vhere is eweryone else?" He asked, his face falling.

McCoy, Sulu, Christine, and Uhura all felt their hearts break. Form the moment the announcement had been made it had been **obvious** that no crewmember of their own free will would be attending the Seder, obvious to everyone that is, except Chekov.

The room was suddenly filled with a chorus of "oh"s and "um"s when Christine spoke again.

"The rest of the crew…"She began, improvising, "They…ah! They felt intimidated with so many high ranking officers excited to attend. They all plan to celebrate with the spirit of Judaism in their hearts"

"Really?!" Chekov asked, perking up immediately.

"Absolutely" Christine responded.

"Vell, it vas an open inwitation. Hovewer I can understand that thought. Ve should take our seats and vait for the Captain and Mr. Spock"

Everyone easily agreed to this and took their seats around the table. Chekov sat at the head with McCoy and Christine together on the left. Uhura sat across from the couple, on the right leaving a space open for Spock besides her. Sulu and Scotty sat across from each other on opposite side. Sulu thought it best to sit on the left…as far away from Uhura as possible.

"Now all ve are missing is the desert and ve can start" Chekov announced.

Just as the words left his mouth Kirk and Spock came charging into the room. Spock was out in front with Kirk clinging onto his shirt collar in an attempt not to lose the Vulcan. Seeing the duo Uhura popped up from her place and gave Spock and wide smile. Just being with him improved her mood considerable.

"There you guys are" She said, relieved.

"We guys are male mail guys's and…woah…" Spock slurred swaying slightly from side to side.

Uhura immediately turned to Kirk, her mood instantly back to its previous dissatisfied state, "What the hell?! What did you do to him" She shouted, directing her anger at Kirk.

"Me?!" He began defensively, "I did nothing! Why don't you ask your boyfriend what's going on"

"I had a *hic* little lot to drink" Spock replied.

"What? That's impossible, Vulcan's can't get drunk" Uhura said.

"Oh yes they can" Kirk reasoned.

Suddenly a bit of information given to her earlier resurfaced in Uhura's mind, "Wait did he have…chocolate?"

"You know?!" Kirk stated in pure shock.

"Of course I know! I'm his girlfriend"

"Ever heard of sharing information?!"

"Who says I have to-"

The bickering duo was then silenced as Spock placed a hand over each of their mouths, "Shhhh, too loud" He whispered before erupting into a fit of giggles.

"Vell…it's good you are both here. Thank you for desert and for coming. Now let us begin the Passover together" Chekov said once again attempting to steer the crew back on topic.

Not wishing to crush the Ensigns fragile hopes and dreams everyone took their seats once again.

"Now is everyone ready?" Chekov asked.

Christine raised her hand as if asking permission to speak.

"Yes?" Chekov responded.

"I'm a little confused…What's going on exactly?" She asked gesturing between Spock, Kirk, and Uhura.

"The hobgoblin is under the influence" McCoy said.

"But…I'm still a little confused"

"Honey" Uhura stated exasperatedly, "So is everyone else"

* * *

AN: Tune in late to find out the stages of Vulcan drunk and the next part of the glorious Seder only of ! Sorry again about the long time and I hope like heck this all makes sense! Thanks everyone for staying with me and for reading. Love ya, please review and you people make me happy. Thanks!


	15. Chapter 15

AN: And I'm BACK! Sorry everyone…I had writer block. But I'm relatively ok now. I mapped out the entire story so it WILL get finished, I just can't promise you when. Anyway thanks as always to the awesome reviewers, you guys are way too awesome and kind to put up with lazy-updaters like me. Enjoy the chapter!

**lostzuner** – Well I don't know if it's EVERYONE's dream. I'd personally like to see McCoy drunk and uninhibited lolz, **Tenebrielle** – drunk people as a whole are pretty fantastic, they say the darndest things!! **PadawanMom** – Thankies so much for the words of encouragement, happy you liked those parts, I like the "shhh" section a lot, **sadhappygirl** – yes this is easily the weirdest flippin seder I've ever thought of, poor Chekov, **Ohtar Vicky** – Thankies! I love it when I've made people laugh, hopefully this chapter will be just as fulfilling, **Narnel** – Uhura/Sulu showdown is coming up soon….just not yet lolz, in the meanwhile I hope you enjoy this dysfunctional appetizer! **Helen Bache** – omdw? I'm confused…awww you think you love me?! Then what are you so afraid of? Are you afraid that you're unsure of this love there is no cure for? Lolz, go old school TV shows! **DiscoUnicorn** – Did you by any chance happen to see I love you man? It was actually really funny and that's where I stole the line form ^_^ **BloomingSparrow** – yeah, I can't help but feel like Chekov is never going to get his Seder, poor little Russian, **California-Italian** – Uhura just doesn't seem to get along well with others. Good thing she's got a drunk boyfriend to get along with- oh wait lolz, man I like torturing my characters, **Fireflower13** – No he didn't. I think we should start a "Spock needs a Shiny" fundraiser. Enjoy the new chapter, **Port-of-Seas** – sorry you had to wait so long, hope this chapter lives up to the wait, **mykardia** – but while drunk!spock is priceless

Disclaimer: Roddenberry's, not mine

* * *

"_I'm a little confused…What's going on exactly?" She asked gesturing between Spock, Kirk, and Uhura._

"_The hobgoblin is under the influence" McCoy said._

"_But…I'm still a little confused"_

"_Honey" Uhura stated exasperatedly, "So is everyone else"_

-------------

"I think I can clear some of this up" McCoy said from his place at the table.

Everyone turned to stare at the doctor. The thought that McCoy had actual answers both infuriated and relieved Kirk. If McCoy knew so much why hadn't he shared it earlier? Uhura, now playing the role of worried girlfriend waited with baited breath to hear just what was going on.

"Spock's now entered the 2nd stage of intoxication" The doctor continued easily, as if this would suddenly clear up everything. A quick look around the table proved it hadn't.

"And that means…" Kirk prompted an edge to his voice.

McCoy felt a very pleased grin beginning to spread across his features but fought to hide his joy. This was exactly what he had been hoping for. Spock was driving Kirk as insane as the later had driven McCoy.

"There are normally 3 stages to intoxication"

"For Wulcan's? Yes that is wery fascinating but it is sundown and the Seder! Ve must start it. I will begin. Ve start on page 2" Chekov interrupted gesturing wildly to a huggadah he was holding above his head, so as to catch more attention.

His plan didn't work.

"Actually" Christine began, to Chekov's dismay, "While the 3 stages aren't acknowledged as medical fact, we like to think of them as guidelines. The 1st stage is a sever disorientation and a sort of reversing of age. The patient digresses to the mindset of-"

"An infant" Kirk finished for her suddenly understanding why Spock had been so immature and impossible only hours before.

"Yes exactly" Christine continued, "The 2nd stage is akin to a Human's intoxication. Thus a lower rate of awareness and more of what we typically think of as 'drunk'. The 3rd stage is a deep set unconsciousness. This is necessary for the Vulcan to return to their former and proper selves"

"So Spock is drunk then is he?" Scotty asked while playing absentmindedly with a fork.

He received a slap upside the head, "Good god man, have you been listening at all?" McCoy asked, all manner of joking or enjoyment ebbed away.

"uh…no"

Uhura rolled her eyes before returning her attention to Christine, "How long do you think he'll be like this" She questioned, her gaze now trained on her Vulcan boyfriend who, was presently trying to walk through a wall like the Eugopatamiants on planet NoobNoob. (Both of course fictional, as Uhura had never even heard of NoobNoob).

"Couple of hours" McCoy responded.

"Hours?!" Chekov gasped, "But the Seder, ve must go on vith the Seder" He again began waving his Huggadah wildly, "Vithout eweryone present, it von't be a real Passover. A Seder is about family…"

As Chekov trailed off the crew began to experiencing bouts of extreme guilt. Chekov, the youngest, most optimistic, and most trusting member of the Enterprise thought of them as family. The crew exchanged sympathetic glances before nonverbally deciding that there was no way around it. They would have to sit through and survive the Seder.

"Alright…let's do the Seder…I guess" Kirk said, trailing off himself.

The crew fell into an awkward silence, unsure of whether to actually sit and start the torment, or if Spock's condition cleared them from their obligation.

"Let's find a stream" Spock's voice soared above the silence as if he was yelling, despite his volume being barley above a whisper.

All eyes simultaneously turned to the Vulcan. Uhura heaved a heavy sigh while burying her face in her hands. This was not going to be easy.

"Okay…A stream…yes, nov to the Seder. Vould eweryone please open their haggaduh's to page 3…we can skip the vashing of the hands…I'll just dip mine in this cup here and…ah, yes nov to page 3" Chekov continued once again, a hint of aggravation creeping back into his young voice.

The rest of the table reluctantly opened their thin prayer books to find they were written in both Hebrew and English and that every passage was accompanied by a child-friendly black and white outlined image.

"Are these…kid's coloring hudubads?" Kirk asked.

"Do we get crayons with these then?" Scotty asked as he and Kirk exchanged low-fives under the table, smiling like frat brothers.

"Damn it Jim you're Captain of the most powerful ship in Starfleet and you want to play with crayons?"

"Crayons sounds very dirty…they're…suggestive, the good way"

Again every crewmember turned to face Spock, as it was he who had spoken.

"There's a bad way?" Kirk asked, his playboy nature shining through.

"Asians guys and endangered species is bad juju" Spock replied, under the belief that what he had said made perfect sense.

This prompted Uhura to glare at Sulu and slide her hand protectively into Spocks.

"Was that a crack at me?" Sulu asked in genuine confusion.

Uhura flipped her hair and resumed her attention to the Seder, "We left off on page 3"

Chekov broke into a smile as it finally seemed someone was interested in his culture. "Yes page 3. We are about to say the prayer for Shabbat"

"I thought this was Passover?" Christine asked, not following a word or what was going on.

"Yes but it is also Friday vhich means it is also Shabbat" Chekov clarified while lifting beautifully crafted candle holders out of nowhere.

"Chekov how long is this gonna take?" Kirk asked, throwing glances in Spock's direction.

"Just a fev moments I sveare" The ensign replied, already lighting snow white candles and placing them delicately into the candleholders. He then began chanting to himself while waving his hands wildly above the flames before covering his eyes.

The crew kept their eyes focused on the young Russian until he seemed satisfied.

"Alright. Now ve can start"

"I thought we already started" Uhura whispered to Kirk.

"At this rate, I don't think we're ever starting" The Captain replied.

"Now if you vill all turn to page 4 in your Haggadahs, ve vill begin the story of Passover"

"Wouldn't it be easier to just watch a…now what was the historical document called, ah, Rugrats?" Scotty asked, also attempting to keep his voice low.

"no…that's cheating…shhhhh, I want to catch the stream" Spock said while staring intently at his empty wine glass.

Suddenly the round robin was interrupted as Chekov cleared his throat, "Okay, vho vants to fill the cup of vine for Elijah?"

"Who's Elijah and why does he get wine?" Kirk questioned.

"Captain, at this rate I think we're all gonna need a lot of wine"

"STREAM"

"Lots and lots of wine"

* * *

AN: Drunk!Spock and his stream obsession are based off of my best friends boyfriend…yes he really does like streams that much. Lolz, anyway hope you all liked it and please review. Have a happy and healthy new year! Tonight is the start of Rosh Hashanah! Good yontif! Thanks for reading and goodnight


	16. Chapter 16

AN: I'm alive! Classes just ended and so I'm updating again. Yay! I really wanna finish this one so just bear with me. Sorry everyone. Thanks for your continued support and please enjoy the next chapter.

**kalenel** – sorry for making you wait so long. Thanks for the review tho, lol college takes up waaay too much time, **uki200** – haha oh the streams and crayons, I love drunk people. They are hilarious, **bookdragon01** – omg Purim! I love that holiday! I was attempting to explain it to my catholic friends and now they scream Hayman whenever they see me, **fireflower13** – I feel so bad for Uhura and Chekov. Uhura just wants her boy back and Chekov just wants a Seder, there requests just aren't unreasonable! Oh enterprise, how we love you, **Helen Bache** – Rugrats was legit one of fav nick shows, go team Pickles! **Ohtar Vicky** – Yeah Drunk!Spock is just so fun to write and heck streams are worth that much enthusiasm, **sadhappygirl** – lol ironically enough its almost New Year again! Thanks for the review! **SilentBone** – I think he's Jewish but don't quote me on that. I DO know that a lot of the cast was Jewish and I take tremendous pride in that, DiscoUnicorn – oh it's not over yet, so sit back, relax and enjoy another chapter ^_^

Disclaimer: Roddenberry's, not mine

* * *

Suddenly the round robin was interrupted as Chekov cleared his throat, "Okay, vho vants to fill the cup of vine for Elijah?"

"Who's Elijah and why does he get wine?" Kirk questioned.

"Captain, at this rate I think we're all gonna need a lot of wine"

"STREAM"

"Lots and lots of wine"

-------------------

Kirk felt the beginnings of a headache forming as Uhura hushed Spock, who was at this time finger-painting on his haggadah with Elijah's cup of red wine. McCoy was flirting with Christine while she openly giggled as Sulu and Scotty were locked in a trying game of tick tack toe.

Thankfully Chekov seemed to be in his own universe at the moment and was completely unaware that the crew had stopped paying attention.

"If he had brought us forth from Egypt, and had not inflicted justice upon the Egyptians it vould have been sufficient" The ensign read above the chatter.

"Jesus Bones, when's this gonna be over?" Kirk whispered while jabbing the doctor repeatedly.

"I'm a doctor damnit not a wristwatch!" McCoy replied, clearly angered at being pulled away from Christine's gentle laughter.

Kirk sighed loudly. At first this has seemed like such a good idea! A day off from working, a little cultural enrichment, tons of wine, a potential date, how had it all gone so wrong? Why was he stuck at a table sober as a nun?

"Why are you watching me paint?" Spock spoke directly into Kirk's ear. The Captain shot back from a mixture of surprise and pain. Surprise as he had not entirely realized he'd been mindlessly staring at Spock's finger-painting and pain from the sudden impact of such a loud noise against his delicate human eardrum. Before he even had a chance to recover, the chair tipped backwards, and Kirk found himself falling onto the cold metallic floor.

"Son of a Bitch!" He landed roughly, his cheek colliding first and his body following swiftly.

The crew simultaneously looked over just in time to see their captain slam face first onto the floor.

"ohhh, there's gonna be a bruise there tomorrow" Scotty said, concern etching into his features, "Is my baby alright?" He asked as he rushed to the scene of the crash.

"I've been better" Kirk replied stiffly.

"Did he hurt you?" The engineer continued, "There there. It's alright" He reassuringly rubbed the ships' floor as if to comfort it, "You'll be fine"

"I get it, because the ship is a baby" Spock said. In Spocks mind, it made perfect sense to be more concerned about the ship than the captain, after all a grown man could take care of himself. A baby was defenseless! And if the ship was a baby it really did need all the help it could get.

"Eweryone please! Settle dovn!" Chekov called in an attempt to restore order to the ever-frantic Seder.

"You've got to be kidding…right?" Kirk asked, now up from the floor.

He began standing the chair back up before his attention was stolen by the high aggravating laughter of Christine Chapel. She and McCoy had yet to rejoin reality and were currently having a lovely evening. Kirk rolled his eyes and returned his attention to the problem at hand.

"You're worried about a _ship_?!" Kirk was practically shouting.

"Captain! She's a very _important_ ship!" Scotty said in defense.

"ENOUGH!" Chekov roared in his fiercest tone. "Ve vill continue vith the Seder nov….please"

Scotty mumbled an apology as Kirk reclaimed his seat. Silence settled over the dinner table once again as Chekov picked up his haggadah to continue where he had last left off.

"If he had inflicted justice upon the Egyptians and had not continued vith the slaying of the first born it vould have been sufficient"

Uhura felt her eyes widen in shock, "What did you just say?" She demanded, interrupting the Seder once again. "God did what now?!"

"Shut up Lieutenant, let's just get this over with" Kirk mumbled, rubbing his sore check. Chekov paid no mind to the exchange and simply plowed on with his readings.

"If he had continued vith the slaying of the first born and had not parted the red sea it vould have been sufficient. If he had parted the red sea and had not led us to the promise land it vould have been sufficient. If he had led us to the promise land and had not-"

PLOP

And once again everyone's attention was stolen away from the Seder and towards the Vulcan first officer who had been frighteningly well behaved until this very moment. It was Spock this time who had fallen out of his chair.

"How did that even happen" Kirk sighed, holding his wineglass up to his check as a makeshift icepack.

"I honestly have no idea." Uhura began, head falling into her open hands, "One minute he was coloring with wine, the next-"

"On the floor" Christine pointed out rather obviously, "I wonder how he got down there…"

Christine Chapel was a smart girl, logically Kirk knew this, but sometimes he just wanted to slap her. Did she always sound this distant and stupid or was his mood coloring his perception. It was probably the later.

"The ships going to need her own hospital room after this" Scotty said under his breath.

"Enough with the ship man!" McCoy called out.

"ve are newer finishing this Seder" Chekov sighed while slumping down half-heartedly into his chair.

"Like hell we're not!" Kirk called surprising the entire crew with his sudden vigor. "I have wasted an entire day, and sat through this Hebrew mumbo crap for over an hour. We ARE finishing this!"

"Yes Captain" the crew responded in unison.

"Chekov, just keep reading. Sulu help Spock up and let's get this damn thing over with!"

"There is no way _he_ is helping my boyfriend up" Uhura said with attitude oozing out of every word.

Sulu gave her a blank stare, already knelt down beside the disoriented Vulcan. The men exchanged glances before Spock realized what Uhura was referring too.

"oooohhh. I remember" He scooted away from Sulu, "Please don't help me"

"What's going on?" Christine asked McCoy in a manner that was clearly suppose to mimic a whisper, but had the volume of an average comment.

"Clearing something secret" McCoy responded, not even attempting to hide his displeasure at being left out of the loop.

"Alright no more secrets. Lieutenant Uhura what the hell is going on between you and Sulu tonight?"

"Captain I'd rather not-"

"Well it's a little late for 'I'd rather not' so tell me what is going on, that's an order" Kirk's voice was firm and it was clear Uhura no longer had a choice in the matter.

Uhura took a deep breath before continuing, "Earlier, when Spock and I were looking for the haggadahs-"

As if on cue, Chekov raised a prayer book proudly.

"we found…well…"

"we found Vulcan porn" Spock called out, while laying back at the floor, "Oh and it wasn't mine"

All eyes turned to Sulu.

"Well…that opened another can of worms now didn't it Jim"

* * *

AN: Well there goes another chapter ^_^ thanks everyone who's kept up. I know it's been a while but now that I'm on break I wanna try and finish this puppy off! Thanks for reading, enjoy the chapter and look forward to the exciting conclusion of Sulu's strange perversion next chapter lol. Thankies and as always review. Thanks!

Oh, and Happy Holidays!


End file.
